


Joshie, You're A Star

by DanceInPoliceLights



Category: My Chemical Romance, Panic! at the Disco, Twenty One Pilots
Genre: Alternate Universe - High School, Angst, Blow Jobs, Bottom Tyler, Exhibitionism, Foreshadowing, High School AU, Homophobia, Internalized Homophobia, Josh is a jock, Lots planned with this one, M/M, Outdoor Sex, Public Blow Jobs, Ryan ross is my BABE, Secret Relationship, Smut, Tones of foreshadowing, Top Josh, Tyler is so lost, but he can be sweet, josh is also a fucking ass, lots of secret gay bois, self hate
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-04-05
Updated: 2019-01-04
Packaged: 2019-04-18 22:23:00
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 10
Words: 33,738
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14223060
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/DanceInPoliceLights/pseuds/DanceInPoliceLights
Summary: Tyler should know by now to not touch the untouchable.or Josh is a popular jock and Tyler is the gay kid who is bad at gym and mercilessly teased.





	1. A Subtle Kiss That No One Sees

**Author's Note:**

> OKAY I AM IN SUCH A GOOD PLACE RIGHT NOW AND WROTE THIS IN ONE SITTING?!?!?! I've never been this inspired to do something before and I'm really excited with how this turns out. This chapter is loaded with foreshadows and metaphors so keep an eye out ;) I really hope you like this. *also I'm probably gonna change the summary soon. I just thought of something quick so I could upload it tonight.  
>  **PS- for each part I will also be doing a song of the chapter. Music is my #1 inspiration for the vibe of something, so this is providing a look inside my mind and how I envision the feel and atmosphere.**
> 
> TW- homophobia
> 
> Song of the Chapter -[In a Year of 13 Moons by Current Joys](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Ozs2pnP0gq8)

Roses. They are beautiful yet untouchable. They smell so sweet and yet if you get too close, you get hurt. 

 

Roses. They take a careful gardener to prune. To remove the thorns and let the beauty shine. Most people don’t have the patience. They just cut it from the bush where it has grown since the beginning and place it in a fancy vase for show. Sure it is certainly beautiful, but untouchable. 

 

Untouchable. In Tyler’s 17 years of life this is one of the most prominent words in his head. His dad’s trophy case- untouchable. His brother Zack’s ‘special’ Xbox controller- untouchable. Mikey and Gerard’s comic book collection- _definitely_ untouchable. He had his fair share of untouchable. He knew what it meant. He knew the beauty of something being unavailable. It just made it that much more sweet when at arms reach. 

 

“PAY ATTENTION JOSEPH!” A voice shot and Tyler’s head flew up from the rose bushes that lined the park across the street that he was intently staring at.

 

“Sorry sir.” He mumbled as other boys groaned. It was his least favourite time of the year- football season in gym class. It was the time for buff guys to show off how tough they are and skinny guys to get pummeled.

 

“I know you want to frolic in the pretty flowers, but you’re here in the game, so act like it.” Coach Scott spat at him and he stared down at his feet. He heard deep laughs from most of the class besides his 2 friends who stood around the field for the warmup. They were in a triangle passing a football back and forth- clumsily of course. They hardly ever caught the ball if it _did_ reach the other. Most of the time, the football fell a few feet away from the persons reach.

 

“Okay, let’s get back to the game now that Joseph isn’t in outer space  painting his nails.” The coach bit and Tyler wanted to cry. He was such a fucking asshole. Tyler looked at Mikey who gave him a sympathetic smile and a shrug. He looked over at Ryan seeing if he was giving him a similar smile but caught him staring at Brendon Urie. He quickly looked down with blushed cheeks upon noticing Tyler’s stare. Tyler rolled his eyes. Typical. Why is it that everyone wants the untouchable? 

 

“We’re gonna do some shirts and skins and since I’m in a generous mood- we will play some good ‘ol capture the flag.” Loud cheers drowned out Tyler, Mikey and Ryan’s groans as boys gave each other high-fives and chest bumps like the obnoxious meat heads they were. 

 

Coach Scott numbered the boys off to decide which team everyone was on. Tyler silently thanked God that there was no team captains choosing. He was really getting sick of being picked last along with Mikey. Ryan was only picked before them because unlike the other 2; height was to his advantage. However not typically in a good way. He was lanky and clumsy. Didn’t stop him from getting chosen before Tyler though, he thought bitterly. 

 

Tyler breathed a sigh of relief when he was put under shirts. He dreaded having to take his shirt off and stand next to the guys who worked out 5 days a week. He grinned when Ryan skipped over to his team- thankful that he would not be alone. The two frowned when Mikey reluctantly pulled off his shirt and joined the skins. 

 

“Oh no. We better watch out for Tyler. We might get molested.” Jon laughed as he took his shirt off with the others on skins. Tyler rolled his eyes and kept quiet as the boy’s joined in with loud laughs. 

 

“I think this is the one sport Tyler doesn’t mind.” Josh chuckles. Tyler glances at his feet hoping maybe he can be sucked up into the ground. Preferably 6 feet under.

 

“Is he gay or something?” A new boy from the school asks. Tyler believed his name was Peter or something lame. 

 

All the guys let out guttural laughs, hunched over. 

 

“Yeah they are fucking fags dude. Can’t you tell they are eye raping everyone on skins?” Josh laughed while pushing the short guy jokingly.

 

“Whose ‘they’.” The Guy with floppy hair asked with a wide smirk, laughing.

 

“Tyler and sir George Ross the third.” Jon joked as he pointed at the skinny boy with wide eyes lined with eyeliner.

 

“Oh fuck off, Jon. You’re just peeved I get more action then you.” Ryan bit with his arms crossed. The guys let out laughs.

 

“Shit! Did Ryan just roast your ass?!” Josh laughed unbelieving. Everyone cackled harder, apparently getting a kick out of this.

 

“Okay, leave them alone, douchebags.” Brendon cut in looking at Ryan then Tyler for a second then back to Ryan. 

 

“Aw, is Brendon turning a bit fruity?” Jon questioned.

 

“Fuck off, Jon. Go fuck your cousin.” Brendon rolled his eyes and flipped him off before turning around and walking to his water bottle.

 

“That was one time! And she was hot so you’re just jealous.” Jon yelled after him as various guys groaned and ‘ew’s were passed around. 

 

Tyler really hated gym class. 

 

~ * ~ * ~ * ~

 

The only thing that could possibly compete for “Please fucking kill me now before I kill someone else” was after gym class when they needed to change. All of the buff jocks would slowly strip as if in the middle of a gay porn and jump in the shower. To do what? Tyler didn’t know. He didn’t have the courage to take a shower with them. For all he knew they could be having a full fledge orgy. Or comparing dick sizes. The latter seemed a lot more probable.

 

“This is my fuckin’ MAN!” Jon shouted upon opening the locker room door. Tyler looked up from where he sat on the bench undoing his sneakers. 

 

“What did the midget do?” Josh asked as he pulled his shirt off. Tyler quickly looked away from the exposed biceps and toned stomach. 

 

“Fuck off.” The new guy spat, “my parents just texted me that they have to go out of town cause my aunt had a stroke or something. Who the fuck cares, party at my place!” 

 

“Damn Pete, I’m starting to like you more and more everyday.” Josh said with a charming smile as he grabbed a towel and put it over his shoulder before tugging down his pants leaving him in boxers.

 

“You in guys?” Pete smiled, avoiding Tyler, Ryan and Mikey. 

 

A chorus of “fuck yea’s” Where sounded as Brendon sat on the bench quiet while undoing his shoes.

 

“Bren?” Pete asked with a nudge.

 

“Eh, sorry dude I have plans already. Sounds sweet but my plans are a bit sweeter.” He showed a row of pearly teeth.

 

“Fucking that girl again?” Josh questioned with an eye roll.

 

Brendon shrugged but with a sly grin on his face before pulling off his shirt and pants and entering the showers with a towel and his boxers. 

 

“Well maybe you can bring Debby to replace, Brendon. You gotta get action some how I guess.” Jon joked making the others laugh.

 

“Ha ha. Everyone knows you only want her there cause you wanna fuck her too.” Josh shot back.

 

“I’m sure I could if I wanted to.” Jon challenged.

 

“She doesn’t fuck apes.” Josh rolled his eyes before exiting the room to enter the shower.

 

“Hey!” Jon shouted offended before ripping off his own clothes and joining him in the shower room.

 

Tyler really hated the locker room.

 

~ * ~ * ~ * ~

 

“I want to see you.” A voice growled into the phone when Tyler answered the call. He rubbed sleep out of his eyes but instantly became more awake when hearing the familiar voice.

 

“Where?” Tyler spoke soft, cautious of his brother who slept a few feet over.

 

“You know where.” The voice grumbled. Tyler could sense how inebriated he was by the way his words weren’t as harsh sounding as when he was sober. It made sense. It was a Friday and god knows how crazy most kids can get on that one day before the weekend. Tyler wasn’t most kids though. Instead he sat in his room writing or watching movies with Mikey and Ryan. Tonight however; Mikey said he had family night with Gerard- _whatever_ and Ryan supposedly had plans with someone else- _as if._

 

Maybe Tyler was bitter. Bitter he had no one else besides the two and occasionally Gerard. His friends didn’t usually have others either though which is what made it okay. 

 

 _Whatever._ Tyler now had plans for the night. Despite the 2:23 am time that flashed on his clock, he got up and pulled on his skinniest pair of jeans he owned. He threw on a band shirt and slid his wallet and phone into his pocket before opening the window as quietly as possible. He was used to it at this point. Having strict parents sure taught you how to sneak around. 

 

Tyler walked on the roof to the tree that hung low over the shingles. He gripped a thick branch and started to climb down the oak. 

 

His feet landed on the ground and he slipped on the vans he kept on his porch for these occasions. 

 

He grabbed his bike that stood against the brick of the house and kicked the stand free, pedalling down the street in the dark with the moon as his only light. 

 

These were the nights he lived for. The way the cold air rushes into his lungs as his legs burned warm from peddling so hard. The way his fingers became numb from being exposed to the wind. His arm hair that stood from the amazing feeling shooting through his veins. This is something that made all the bad times worth it. This feeling of being on top of the world. Untouchable. That’s how he felt. And that was a rare feeling right there.

 

The path was familiar. He didn’t have to pay attention to remember the left turn, or the pot hole next to that one red maple. Soon he was in familiar territory as he eased on the break next to the cannon statue. He kicked out the bike stand with his foot and began walking down the red brick path. He looked across the street at the school that seemed so much less daunting in the moonlight without all the loud screaming and laughing. Tyler looked down and smiled at the red roses that lined the pathway. He grazed his hands along the tops of the petals being careful not to hit a thorn. It was so nice being able to touch something you shouldn’t be. 

 

He followed the path to the swing set that sat surrounded by big trees that allowed secrets to be held in the circle. Little girls whispering on the jungle gym. Their moms gossiping about things they heard at the hair salon. And now Tyler was here to share his private affair. He wondered if the wind and trees whispered secrets to each other. 

 

Tyler smiled when he saw the outline of his body. Broad and muscular physically, but seeming so small sitting on a swing, hunched over a glowing cigarette. Not focused on appearance.

 

“Hey, you.” Tyler interrupted the silence and sat on the adjacent swing. 

 

“Hey, Tyler.” Josh looked over at him, slight smile on his lips as he took a drag from his almost finished cigarette. 

 

“What’s up?” He whispers not wanting to interrupt the cricket’s orchestra. 

 

Josh simply shrugs, “was at a party but just wasn’t feeling it. Boring without Brendon there.” 

 

Tyler simply nods, not sure of what else to say. 

 

“We aren’t much of talkers are we?” Tyler slightly laughs when the silence stretches out to an awkward length.

 

“Who needs talking when you have actions.” Josh smirks as he flicks his cigarette to the floor before getting up from the swing and stubbing it out with his foot.

 

Tyler looks down red faced, knowing what’s gonna happen. Sure, it was a pretty common occurrence at this point but it didn’t stop him from getting nervous every time before. 

 

Josh staggered over to him, grabbing him by the hand, pulling him up to his feet before pushing into him in a bruising kiss. Teeth clinked and noses bumped but Tyler couldn’t find it in himself to care. He tasted whiskey and cigarettes on his tongue. It would typically be a turn off, but with Josh it felt so right. This was his designated taste. When he thought of Josh he thought of cigarettes being drenched in bitter liquor. It was much more favourable then his school persona, Tyler had to admit. 

 

Tyler squeaked, surprised when Josh gripped at his growing bulge but it turned into a low moan after a second. He knew what Josh wanted, and wasn’t that all what this was about? Tyler sunk to his knees letting Josh wrap his fingers in his boyish curls. 

 

“Fuck I’ve been waiting for this all week,” Josh moaned as Tyler unzipped his jeans and pulled down his boxers. He smiled upon seeing Josh’s hard on spring out of his pants.

 

“Have you actually?” Tyler asks a bit snidely. He licks his dry hand before wrapping it around Josh’s dick and fisting it slowly. Josh sputtered out a moan.

 

“Fuck Ty, do you know how hard it is watching you get changed while you’re all sweaty. I just wanna take you right there in the shower.” Josh’s voice sounds husky as he confides this information. Tyler stores it in his back pocket to use against Josh if he needs to. He doesn’t say it, but these are the things that get him through the week with Josh as his typical meat-head alter ego.

 

“I mean you could if you weren’t so focused on the game and maybe snuck in to meet me...” Tyler sighed hopeful. He knew it would never happen. He continued to slowly milk Josh’s dick and he could tell the boy was getting impatient.

 

“Fuck off,” he responded before knuckling Tyler’s curls and pulling his mouth to his throbbing cock. 

 

Tyler placed his mouth over the head, kissing the crown to down the shaft, before licking up the slit. Josh grunted. He finally opened up his mouth and let Josh’s leaking dick enter. He licked up the precome. It was probably the only thing of Josh that didn’t taste like whisky and cigarettes and he could appreciate the differentiation from that to this salty taste. He pushed his mouth down slowly until his nose hit the trimmed pubes. He had quite a bit of practice at this point to get there without gagging.

 

“Fuck, Ty. More.” Josh moaned as he thrusted his hips into the warmth. Tyler gagged but didn’t stop. Instead he held Josh’s hips in order to keep him from fucking his face. 

 

Tyler bobbed up and down, cautious of his teeth, and frequented licking the underside and up the slit. He fondled his balls and Josh let out a guttural pleased sound. “Shit, you are fucking good at that.”

 

Tyler grinned. Now that is the praise he liked, “better then Debby?” He couldn’t help but ask as he popped off Josh’s cock for a second.

 

“Fuck, don’t talk about her.” Josh pushed his head back to his dick and Tyler worked like a vacuum, sucking and licking at Josh’s member.

 

“Shit, I’m gonn-“ he got out before a hot load was shot down Tyler’s throat. He slightly gagged but swallowed it down. Josh kissed him to taste the remnants of himself. Tyler was getting the 2 parts of Josh mixed together now; whiskey/cigarettes and his come. He couldn’t deny it was a fucking turn on as he noticed his own dick throbbing. 

 

Josh kissed him lightly before sitting on the bench. Tyler followed and shifted uncomfortably at his hard dick stuck in his jeans. 

 

Josh tucked himself away, “thanks, dude.” 

 

Tyler slightly nodded, “I’m still mad at you by the way.” 

 

“For what?” Josh laughed with his squinty eyes and Tyler forgot exactly why he _was_ mad for a second.

 

“School. You know you’re a real asshole, Josh.” Tyler mumbled looking at his nails.

 

“What do you want me to do?” He laughed.

 

“Maybe not call me a fag?” Tyler rolled his eyes. He could feel the tears building up but he wouldn’t let himself cry. Not here. He wanted the trees to think he was happy- that their secrets told in the wind could be about how in love the 2 boys were.

 

“Why are you so peeved? Isn’t that what you are?” Josh kept his smile.

 

“Is that what you think of me?” Tyler’s voice broke a bit.

 

“Dude, don’t cry.” Josh sighed. 

 

“I just think it’s fucked up that fuckin’ Brendon Urie stands up for me more then _you_!” He stood up and wiped his face quickly when one tear dropped.

 

Josh rolled his eyes, “don’t talk about Brendon.” 

 

“Why?! Are you fucking him too? Is that why you are so defensive?!” Tyler cried.

 

“What are you even talking about dude?” Josh questioned still sitting on the bench looking up at Tyler.

 

“If anyone says anything about Brendon you will beat the shit out of them, or, or call them out! If someone calls me a fag you laugh and join in! Do you know how that makes me feel, Josh?!” He cried as he pointed at the air and then himself.

 

“Bro, you need to calm down. Stop comparing yourself to Brendon.” He rolled his eyes.

 

“No, I won’t calm down cause I’m fucking pissed off! Am I just an easy ass to fuck? If that’s the case why not you go fuck your girlfriend? The whole team knows she has open legs!” Tyler’s voice was raised and his face was red as tears now streamed.

 

“I don’t appreciate you calling my girlfriend a slut.” Josh’s jaw tenses.

 

“Oh, how fucking typical!” He cried with his arms raised in frustration, “I insinuate your girlfriend is a hoe and you are offended and yet EVERYONE makes fun of me and you join in! The only person to tell people to stop is fuckin’, Brendon! How do you think that makes me feel?!” 

 

“He’s not sticking up for _you,”_ Josh mumbled under his breath. Tyler didn’t know what he meant by that but he was _hurt_. And he was _tired_. And his jaw was _sore_. And his dick was still _neglected_.

 

“Okay, whatever Josh. I’m done. You are such a fucking asshole.” He turned away and began walking back the way he came from. He broke out of the trees and walked on the path as Josh’s isolated, “fucking emo fag,” Was told to the trees. The secrets and words will carry on in the wind to tell the whispering girls in the playground and the gossiping moms. Maybe they will whisper them back to Tyler once he returns. However much he is fighting the idea, he knows returning will be inevitable.

 

He should have know by now to never touch the untouchable.

 


	2. Better Run For The Hills Before They Burn

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Heyyyyy, I’m really glad some people are enjoying this so far!! It makes me super happy :) it’s super hard for me to keep at one certain thing but I’m gonna try and finish this! Lmao I just have soooo many ideas that I wanna write and once I start something new it’s hard to go back to something. ALSO AT THE END I HAVE A FIC IDEA THAT I WANT TO SEE IF YOU GUYS ARE INTERESTED IN?!
> 
> PS- I live in Canada, and this is how school works where I'm from so sorry if it doesn't make sense? if you have any questions feel free to ask♥︎
> 
> Tw- Homophobic slurs
> 
> Song of The Chapter - [Dopamine by BØRNS](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZfX2XLThXcA)
> 
> _"And it might not be logical  
>  But baby my mind just won't let you leave  
> And I'm craving your taste under my tongue everyday  
> Keep the forbidden fruit coming my way"_

“Are you fucking serious, Tyler?” Mikey exclaimed exasperated.

 

“I really don’t want to do it anymore.” Tyler mumbled as they stood at his open locker. He figured they would get mad.

 

“Dude we literally took gym cause your dad was making you. Now you are just quitting?!” Mikey whined as Ryan stood next to him looking at the floor.

 

“I’m sorry, Okay? I realized I can’t take an entire semester of being made fun of.” Tyler sighed exasperated, “just cause you aren’t getting called a fag, since you haven’t came out yet doesn’t mean me and Ryan are gonna take this.” He spoke quieter.

 

“I thought your dad was making you take gym!” Mikey whined.

 

“He is, I don’t care though. I’m switching to art or something.” Truth was, his dad wasn’t making him take gym. Sure, last year before he came out he would have made him, but ever since Tyler told his family he was gay no one really seemed to care what he did. They were just providing him with a roof and food until he was 18 and could be kicked out. Whatever, he could have it worse. Ryan’s dad was a drunk and his mom left him. That seemed a lot more substantial then Tyler’s parents not giving him attention. 

 

The real reason he took gym however, was regarding Josh. Over the summer, their relationship got a lot closer. Summer days spent in Josh’s pool when his parent were out, nights on the roof watching velvet stars slide across the sky and horror movies hid away in Tyler’s basement. He hoped it would stay the same, however just like last year; school happened along with Josh’s football team and asshole friends.

 

Tyler really hated school.

 

“I don’t understand why you’re so mad. You can switch out too.” Tyler rolled his eyes when Mikey let out a whine. 

 

“No I can’t! My dad is already treating me like a fucking king now that he has his dream of having some child athlete back.” Tyler snorted at that. He supposed Mikey’s dad must’ve been frustrated when both of his sons were more interested in making comic books and music then following in his footsteps of professional baseball.

 

“Okay well I’m sorry dude, but there is no way I’m staying in gym. It’s the Monday of the second week back to school and I’ve been made fun of how many times?” Mikey was silent, “exactly! Me and Ryan don’t deserve this, right?!” Tyler whined and looked over to Ryan for something. A nod maybe? A confirmation that he agreed and wasn’t being a drama queen? Ryan just simply shrugged his shoulders. 

 

“Huh?!” Tyler questioned upon Ryan’s indifference.

 

“I don’t know, maybe it’s good to be working out. Y’know... physical activity and all.” Ryan mimicked lifting weights.

 

“Are you serious? Ryan you can lift like, 40 pounds at the most.” Tyler raised his arms, exasperated.

 

“Fuck you! I’ve carried your ass time and time again when you get sloppy drunk. And god knows you weigh more then 40 pounds.” Ryan crossed his arms.

 

“Whatever.” Tyler rolled his eyes not wanting to bring up the times when Ryan would steal his dad’s liquor when he passed out drunk, “I’m still dropping the class. Maybe I’ll get a spare and watch you guys make a fool out of yourselves on the field.” Tyler laughed but he knew he wouldn’t actually set himself up for being called a fag. If he was caught watching the boy’s gym class he knew It was inevitable. 

 

“Yeaaaa Ryan, just me and you.” Mikey high fived the tall mousey haired boy and the two turned back to Tyler with smirks.

 

“I hate you guys.” Tyler sighed.

 

He didn’t mean it.

 

~ * ~ * ~ * ~

 

After meeting with the guidance counsellor he was pleased to find out that he would be able to switch out to a spare since he had extra credits from taking band the first 2 years of high school along with basketball. Now, in grade 12 he didn’t do any extracurriculars. Ever since he came out last year he had been treated differently. His team members stopped talking to him and he became more interested in English class then basketball.

 

He didn’t mind per say, sure it was shitty but it had it’s perks. If he was still on the basketball team he would probably never have been friends with Mikey and Ryan. He had met the 2 when his team began to freeze him out and he started spending lunch playing the old, used piano in the music room.

 

The 2 boy’s came in one day after hearing the music and complimented him. Tyler was nervous speaking to them, he was aware Ryan was gay and knew the basketball team frequented on beating him around. When you’re caught sucking off the lacrosse captain, you will generally get teased. Poor Shane moved schools and had never been seen again. Ryan however, had not been so lucky and the gay jokes then landed on him.

 

So going into the friendship, Tyler was restricted- aware that if he was friends with the school ‘cocksucker’ there was no turning back to his old friends. Mikey was sort of just _there_. Nobody really thought of him or made fun of him, he was just known as the friend of the ‘emo gay kid who got caught sucking off the lacrosse captain’. Mikey didn’t have a problem with this. Knowing the risk of coming out however, kept him in the closet. He had come out to his family and Ryan and Tyler of course but he wasn’t risking it being let out to the school. When you live in a small town in Columbus, people don’t typically jump to be accepting to the gay kids. 

 

After a month of quiet bonding in the band room, Tyler took the leap and officially parted ways from his basketball team- coming out of the deep, dusty closet he was locked inside with all of his untouchable desires. Josh Dun being at the top. 

 

Tyler smiled thinking back to _the_ warm night in May. It was the first sunny day after a week of rain and all of the water quickly evaporated from the beating sun. He sat on the green grass, gazing up at the trees encircling him and the lone swing set that sat in the centre. The memory flickered in his head with a yellow filter. Sparkling stars and a black sky. Soft touches and nimble fingers. Stolen kisses and reddening cheeks. It was perfect. And he was right there, and _real_ and _touchable._ It was a night to never forget, something that was never going to happen again in Tyler’s mind. 

 

Then it did happen again, and it was real and touchable and he was there and bright eyed and smiling. Tyler would be lying if he said a piece of his heart didn’t snap like a wishbone when Josh ignored him for a month after that. Josh was like a drug by June and he couldn’t stop the _want._ The itch to inject every smile and laugh into his veins- into his bloodstream- into one. 

 

When Josh finally spoke to him again, he was drunk and crying. He said Debby was mad, that Josh couldn’t get it up when she wanted him to fuck her. That Josh didn’t find girls attractive anymore. They met up and Josh fucked Tyler. Hard and unapologetic. They both cried for different reasons. They were both broken in different ways. They were both _different_ but so much the same. This wasn’t what Tyler was expecting his first time to be, but he was with Josh, right? He needed Tyler too, right? He couldn’t go without Tyler, right? Tyler’s brain was flooded and pounding and he was tired of thinking and hoping and analyzing.

 

Josh and Debby still smiled and were _the_ school couple in all their beautiful faced glory. In the way they _looked_ like they were meant to be together. Member on the football team and cheerleading captain. How typical. Tyler wanted to throw up when the nights after Josh would pound him into the grass, he would pull up to the school, Debby on his arm and a white smile on his face. 

 

He thought a jock on the football team and gay loser sounded a lot more interesting together then the former.

 

~ * ~ * ~ * ~

 

Tyler walked to English, careful to avoid stairwell 7. That’s where all the jocks hung out or the stoners made drug deals. Overall, it was a bad stairwell to be in. He took the long way instead, making it to the room just before the bell went off, signalling class. English was his second period, math being his first. His third subject was psychology and the last class of the day was the dreaded gym period. Thankfully, his new schedule would come in tomorrow meaning today was his last gym period. He could almost do a backflip out of excitement.

 

He walked into the English classroom and took a seat next to Jenna. He usually hated assigned seats but when he had no friends in the class like English, he didn’t mind. Jenna was a nice girl surprisingly. She was best friends with Debby but you wouldn’t believe it by the way she acted. She was one of those people that was nice to _everyone_ and you understood why they were popular. 

 

“Hi, Tyler.” She smiled.

 

“Hiya.” He sighed as he pulled out his books. 

 

“Did you hear about the party Friday?!” She squealed, excited.

 

He bit back a bitter response of _what do you think?_ Instead politely shaking his head.

 

“It’s at Josh Dun’s! His parents are going away for his little brother’s hockey tournament. They are taking his sister too. You should come!” 

 

Tyler’s heart clenched at the mention of Josh. “I don’t know, parties aren’t really my thing.”

 

Jenna pouted, “aw, c’mon. It will be super fun! Everyone’s gonna be there! You can’t _not_ go.”

 

Tyler shrugged.

 

“Invite Ryan! And your other friend, Michael?” She questioned. Tyler corrected her with Mikey and she nodded her head, “yea him! It will be funnnn. You guys will love it! Tones of super cute boys.” She nudged him. He hated when girls acted like they could connect since they both liked the same gender.

 

“Maybe.” Tyler smiled politely. There was no way he was going. Not to Josh’s when he wasn’t even invited by, well, _Josh._

 

Jenna beamed as the teacher strutted in and started her lesson.

 

~ * ~ * ~ * ~

 

Tyler sighed as he walked on the grass of the school lawn, heading towards the two bodies that sat under the large maple tree. Lunch wasn’t typically anything special but extra time to spend with his friends outside, taking advantage of the warm sun while it lasted. It was only a matter of time before Earth decided they must start anew and kill off everything. It was a pretty morbid thought to think about.

 

“Hey,” Tyler sighed as he sat down, crossing his legs. 

 

The two boys mumbled ‘hey’s. Tyler bit into the green apple he brought from home and looked at Mikey’s intricate sub loaded with tomato, lettuce, cheese and ham and to Ryan who simply sat cross legged staring into the sun while squinting his heavily, black-lined eyes. 

 

“Jenna invited me to a party.” Tyler broke the silence.

 

“Huh?” Mikey and Ryan both asked shocked. 

 

“Well not really invited, she just said I should go.” Tyler mumbled while picking at his nail, “she said I should bring you guys too.” 

 

Ryan shrugged and Mikey looked like he was trying to hold back excitement.

 

“Where’s it at?” Mikey questioned trying to sound blasé.

 

“Josh Dun’s,” Ryan answered, pulling out sunglasses from his backpack that sat next to him. 

 

“How’d you know?” Tyler questioned confused at Ryan’s knowledge on the topic.

 

He shrugged, “someone told me I suppose.” 

 

“Well are we gonna go?!” Mikey questioned. Now he sounded excited.

 

“What?! No way!” Tyler spoke, exasperated.

 

“Why not? We’ve never been to a big party before! It could be a lot of fun.” Mikey tried to convince.

 

“Or it could be fucking awful, and we could get our asses beat for showing up.” Tyler whined.

 

Ryan rolled his eyes, “it’s not like gym class. Guys won’t beat us up. They are too drunk to even notice us. Maybe I’ll go. It could be fun to have a change of pace.”

 

Tyler looked back and forth between Ryan’s uninterested face to Mikey smiling ecstatically at the lanky boy.

 

“I don’t know if this is such a good idea.” Tyler mumbled.

 

Ryan shrugged, “whatever. If it’s a shitty party we can just leave, steal some booze and walk around the park. 

 

Tyler didn’t want to argue that the park just wasn’t for _them_. It was _him_ and _Josh’s_. 

 

Then it hit him- he was going to a party at Josh’s house this Friday.

 

~ * ~ * ~ * ~

 

Tyler was relieved when gym class was over with only a few jokes involving him. Guys seemed a lot more scared to pick on Ryan then Tyler. Maybe it was Ryan’s monotoned voice or the fact he used to wear a necklace that had an actual razor blade on it. When the school found out they had a _field day_ putting him in counselling. He shrugged and said it was edgy.

 

Tyler opened the changing room door smiling, happy to be officially done with gym. He sat on the bench untying his sneakers as the Jocks stood in the middle of the room laughing and joking obnoxiously about pussy. Tyler rolled his eyes.

 

“Holy shit! Brendon is your mystery girl a vampire?!” Jon cackled. Tyler looked over to where Brendon stood shirtless in his boxers. Fading and fresh hickeys spread along his chest to the strong v-line that was exposed due to his low boxers, were on display. Tyler had to admit they looked pretty, contrasting with his pale skin tone. 

 

Brendon shrugged, unashamed with his glowing smile, “I guess you could say my body’s a temple and I’m being worshipped.” 

 

“That was probably the gayest thing you’ve ever said, and you’ve been pretty fruity lately.” Jon laughed.

 

“Why not you, I don’t know, suck my dick.” Brendon responded with a cocked hip.

 

“Yeah, you wish. However, I don’t suck, I receive. Hit Ross up though, I’m sure he’d be up to meeting in the bathroom next to stairwell 7.” Jon grinned similar to the Cheshire Cat, acknowledging the known scandal that happened in the secret bathroom with Ryan and Shane. 

 

“Oh fuck off, Jon. Jealous much?” Ryan snapped as he pushed back his hair that fell over his right eye.

 

“Jealous?” Jon sputtered with a laugh, “as if I would want my dick anywhere near a fag.” 

 

“It’s funny cause you were just looking at Brendon’s half naked body pretty intently a second ago. You sure your dick isn’t connected to a fag?” Ryan snapped back with clenched fists.

 

“Oh, you fucking faggot!” Jon shouted before starting to approach Ryan who stood with his arms crossed, still fully dressed. 

 

“You know, you could get a bit more original with the names. ‘Fag’ is starting to lose the sting.” Ryan rolled his eyes.

 

“Do you wanna fucking fight, Ross? Cause I will beat you up so badly you will never be able to suck another dick in your life.” Jon stood close to Ryan. He was shorter then the lanky boy but much wider and presumably stronger. Tyler and Mikey stood behind Ryan. Their hearts pounded, scared as the tall boy simply laughed, _hard_ , at the threat.

 

“Dude, you are really gonna fight me just cause you are insecure over me calling you gay? Now you are really making that statement believable.” Ryan chocked out another laugh.

 

“You are gonna regret that, Pansy.” Jon pushed Ryan hard making him slightly stumble back and squint his eyes at the practically steaming boy stood in front of him.

 

“Woah!” Brendon pulled Jon back before he could land a punch in Ryan’s unimpressed face. 

 

“What the fuck, dude?!” Jon mumbled as he pushed off Brendon and marched to the showers, grabbing a towel on the way. 

 

Brendon looked back at Ryan with a shrug, and a brief, tense grin.

 

Tyler noticed Ryan look down with a tiny smile as he tugged off his shirt and got changed. 

 

Tyler looked up as his eye caught Josh who was intently staring in their direction. When the two boy’s eyes connected, Josh offered a sly wink before leaving for the shower.

 

~ * ~ * ~ * ~

 

Tyler walked to his locker slow and sluggish. He was so glad to be done gym for good, along with school for the day. He just wanted to go home and sleep away his stupidity at even bringing up his invite to the party on Friday. He rested his head on his locker door with a hard bang and took a few deep and steady breaths. He entered his code that was ingrained in his mind since grade 9, the 3 numbered code coming naturally to his fingers. He opened the door with ease and scrunched his eyebrows when a folded sheet of paper fluttered to the ground. He picked it up and inspected the messy handwriting.

 

**_I’m sorry._ **

 

**_My house._ **

 

**_4pm._ **

 

**_xxx j._ **

 

Tyler’s heart flew into his throat and butterflies fluttered in his stomach. He quickly flooded them with hatred and stomach acid when he thought back to Josh’s harsh words on Friday. _Isn’t that what you are?_ A fag. He supposed he was. Didn’t stop the sting that pierced into him as it came from Josh’s lips. The kiss swollen, red ones that framed such a pretty smile. 

 

There was no way he was going to Josh’s house. He knew it would lead to sex and that would get them nowhere. Nowhere. He hated this state he was in where he had nothing going for him. He was living merely just to exist for others and even at times he felt he didn’t.

 

 _I exist. I exist. I exist._  

 

It was a mantra. A song. A chant. 

 

He wasn’t going to Josh’s house. He wanted to exist for himself- not be a hidden drug that Josh was finding himself addicted to.

 

~ * ~ * ~ * ~

 

“Hey.” He smiled and opened the door, “I was getting worried you weren’t gonna show up.” 

 

“I wasn’t going to.” Tyler sighed stepping into the warm, cinnamon smelling house.

 

“You and I both know that’s a lie.” Josh smirked as he pulled him close and kissed him soft and sweet. It made Tyler’s heart soar and his head become fuzzy. Why was he _not_ going to come again? He couldn’t remember at this point. 

 

“Parents are out?” Tyler mumbled against his lips as Josh winded his fingers into Tyler’s jean loops.

 

“Not for long,” Josh smirked before picking him up by the butt. Tyler let out a squeal as Josh carried him up the stairs and to the left where Josh’s room stood. It was clean and fresh, a pile of clothes folded and set on top of his wardrobe, the bed neatly made. The only thing that made it look slightly lived in was the few photos of him and the football team that sat pinned up above his desk.

 

Josh dropped him in the bed and quickly messed up the sheets to make it more comfy, “Sorry,” just muttered, “my mom is always cleaning stuff.”

 

“Don’t be apologizing for a clean room,” Tyler laughed, “if your room looked like Ryan’s it would be a major mood killer.” 

 

Josh smiled, “please don’t talk about Ryan right now. I just wanna think about you lying in my bed.” Tyler grinned. Ryan was definitely the best looking one of the 3. Tyler knew it. Mikey knew it. Probably everyone knew it. It was so refreshing to be with Josh; someone who found him the most appealing for once. He couldn’t help the way it made his heart beat as fast as a runaway train. He sighed as Josh nibbled down on his neck.

 

“We don’t have much time... do you mind?” Josh asked with his hands on Tyler’s zipper. Yes he _did_ mind. He just wanted to lay there and kiss. Enjoy the comfort of each other for _once_ without being fucked into. He found himself nodding without realizing it and before he noticed, Josh was pulling down Tyler’s pants and tugging off his own shirt. 

 

Josh quickly ripped down Tyler’s briefs and gave his half-hard dick a quick jerk, bringing a gasp from his lips. Tyler could already feel Josh’s hard on straining in his jeans against Tyler’s bare thigh.

 

Josh quickly leaned over and opened his bed side drawer, pulling out a condom and lube that was neatly put away. Tyler felt slightly uncomfortable knowing Josh’s mom  arranged his bed side drawer. _As long as he’s safe_ , he supposed his mother would think lining the condoms along the side of the drawer. If only she knew he was using them on a guy. 

 

Josh lubed up his finger and looked for Tyler to nod before slowly sliding the first finger into him. Tyler gasped at the pressure and Josh smirked before sliding in a second. He slowly worked him open until he was knuckles deep. Tyler was writhing underneath him and froze to let out a load moan when Josh hit the bundle of nerves. Josh added his third finger, it was easier at this point.

 

“Josh, please-“ Tyler whined trying to make contact between their bodies. Tyler tried to unbutton Josh’s pants but quickly pulled away to grip at the sheets when Josh rubbed against his prostate again.

 

“What, Baby?” Josh said with a smirk.

 

“Fuck me.” Tyler whined trying to make contact with their hips. Tyler was leaking at this point, leaving a small wet spot on his abdomen where his throbbing member rested. Josh quickly pulled his fingers out causing Tyler to slightly whine. The bigger boy unzipped his pants and pulled them down along with his boxers letting his cock spring free. 

 

“You good?” Josh asked as he ripped open the condom and slid it down his length before lathering it in lube, hissing at the contact.

 

Tyler nodded slowly in a haze watching Josh line up his dick with his hole. Tyler gasped at the pressure as he slowly entered. It was still a stretch from fingers. Tyler sat slightly uncomfortable while Josh sputtered out quiet ‘fucks’ under his breath. 

 

He bottomed out slowly, coming in contact with Tyler’s ass and giving it a quick squeeze before pulling out and sliding back in faster. He smacked his hip bones against Tyler’s ass causing his to stall for a second before pulling back out and making contact again. 

 

Tyler began to moan when his ass got used to the stretch and the pleasure started to outweigh the pain. “Fuck, Josh. Faster.” 

 

Josh quickened his pace, thrusting in as Tyler pushed down and Tyler let out a loud cry as Josh’s dick hit his prostate. Josh grinned and adjusted his position, bringing Tyler’s legs up higher around his waist before slamming in again at the same angle. Tyler grabbed at Josh, clawing down the pale landscape of his muscular back. He let out an animalistic growl as he squeezed at Tyler’s sides and thrusted into him again and again.

 

Tyler grabbed at his length, fisting himself fast until his vision turned black and then white as a heat burned in his abdomen. He groaned as come covered his and Josh’s stomach from being pressed together. Josh continued fucking him through his orgasm before his movement stalled as he let out a loud, low groan into Tyler’s neck. 

 

Josh kissed him slow and languid, their tongues dancing as if in the most intricate choreographed dance. Josh slowly pulled out, Tyler slightly whining at the sensitivity. He was going to be sore tomorrow. He couldn’t find it in himself to care though. Josh tied of the condom and tossed it in the trash, fist bumping the air when successful. He sat up slowly and grabbed his discarded boxers and wiped off his stomach before returning the favour on Tyler. 

 

He smiled down at the glowing boy and tossed the underwear in his hamper, jumping in bed next to him. He grabbed the phone from his bedside table and groaned.

 

“What?” Tyler asked quietly before snuggling into the warmth and smooth skin. 

 

“My mom is gonna be home soon,” he frowned, “you should probably go.”

 

“Oh.” Tyler nodded his head attempting to seem unbothered. He tried to stop the clench in his heart when he pulled himself away from Josh’s warm body and pulled on his clothes with Josh’s eyes burning into his back. 

 

“Well, bye.” Tyler sighed.

 

“Come here.” Josh smiled holding out his arms. Tyler ran into them, holding him into a hug and smelling the crook of his shoulder. He didn’t want to leave. He didn’t want to pull away. He didn’t want to go home where nobody cared about him. He slowly pulled away from the hug after Josh left a lingering kiss on his cheek. 

 

“Bye, Josh.” Tyler smiled, hand on the door knob. 

 

“Bye, Tyler,” He smiled in the bed as the smaller boy opened the door, “oh, Tyler?”

 

He turned back, looking at Josh laying in the bed, “What?” he asked, quirking his eyebrow.

 

“You’re beautiful.” Josh smiled with finality.

 

Tyler blushed and turned out the door. He skipped down the stairs, smiling at the family photos and pictures of Josh as a naive boy. Damn now _that_ was beautiful. Tyler had never taken traditional drugs, but this feeling right here is only what he could imagine being high was like.

 

However, he knew that eventually like every drug as addictive as Josh, he would eventually come back down. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I HOPE YOU GUYS LIKED THAT?! WHAT DO YOU THINK ABOUT THIS FIC SO FAR?! Also, do any of you watch shameless? I’ve been playing with an idea of a spin off of Mikey/Ian’s relationship and the idea is driving me INSANE. Like I really wanna do it eventually. (With a different ending to last season cause I’m still low key bitter) Pleaseeee share your thoughts on this fic, it makes me so happy to hear anything from you guys. ALSO predictions are my favouriteeee.


	3. You Know I Could Stay Here All Night

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry for taking so long with this chapter! I promise next chapter definitely won't take as long cause I am SO eager to write it! Hope you enjoy <3
> 
>  
> 
> _Song of the Chapter -[Bones by The Killers](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FufL80hJsP8)_
> 
>  
> 
> _"Don't you wanna come with me? Don't you wanna feel my bones_  
>  On your bones?  
> It's only natural"

Josh woke up with a grunt as he blindly felt around for his phone that was obnoxiously beeping. He turned off the alarm and groaned, rolling over. He sniffed the sheets; sex and sweat and lingering cigarette smoke. He knew how hard it was getting the smoke smell out of his sheets and that still didn’t stop him from lighting cigarettes after a round of sex and before his mom came home. Maybe it was a habit. Maybe it was the stupid hipster movies that made him do it. Maybe it was just the act of being rebellious. He sure knew his mom would scold him and pray for God to get rid of this bad habit next time she changed the sheets. He knew God wouldn’t pull through though, he didn’t seem to help him at all despite his mother’s quiet demands to _‘keep believing and praying and God will help you through anything.’_ He frowned before the tinge of sex hit his nose and his mouth eased into a light smile. He sniffed his pillow, smelling traces of flowery shampoo. It might’ve been Debby’s, but all Josh could think of was Tyler writhing underneath him and his boyish, fluffy hair getting messed up and staticky on his pillow.

 

“Joshua!” Laura Dun sang in a chipper tone as she walked into his room without asking.

 

“Morning.” He grunted, not appreciating the date that stared back at him on his well kept calendar (in respect of his mother’s doing.) Tuesday had to be his least favourite day of the week. Nothing new, nothing to look forward to. Just plain boring. 

 

“Hun, I have eggs waiting for you on the table.” She smiled before grabbing a shirt and pair of pants from his closet and placing it on the foot of his bed. She grabbed a rolled pair of socks and a pair of boxers as well and set it on top. “Downstairs in 5 minutes, Joshua.” She walked out of the room.

 

Josh groaned and stood up, knowing he would be in trouble if he didn’t follow the morning rules. He frowned and pulled on his planned outfit, trying to ignore the crucifix that stared down at him from his closet door. 

 

He walked out of his room, jumping down the stairs to the dining room where his 2 sister’s sat at the table, colouring in photos of all things regarding The Bible. They were still little and going to the Catholic grade school down the road. Laura was devastated when she found out Josh and his brother Jordan needed to go to public school instead of the well known catholic high school. It was something about being too far away from their home, their house being out of bounds for the busses. And Laura or Bill Dun definitely couldn’t pull time out of their schedule to drive them to school everyday. To his parents dismay, they needed to settle for the public school that Laura was scared of. _‘I hope these kids find the light of Jesus Christ before they make too many regrets.’_ She would mutter sadly when going to home football games her son was in. Josh remembered the time perfectly clear when she walked an exact 3 meter radius around Ryan Ross, scared of the town known ‘sinner’. He remembered Ryan and Tyler laughing, noticing his mother’s fear when they jokingly held hands and kissed just to get a rise out of her. He couldn’t forget the envy that consumed all the blood in his body. Was it because Ryan was kissing Tyler, or was it that they were unafraid to be so _out there_ , not scared of who saw them? He didn’t know which reason was more unsettling.

 

Josh sat next to his sister, looking at their messy job of trying to colour  in a kids drawing of Noah’s Arc, inside the lines. 

 

“Why are the Giraffe’s blue and pink?” Josh asked as Abi coloured the blue one and Ashley coloured the pink.

 

“Duh, cause this ones the boy,” Ashley pointed to the blue one, “and this ones the girl.” She ended with her finger on the pink giraffe.

 

Josh simply nodded as he began to pick at his eggs, not particularly hungry. He looked up when loud clomping came from the stair. Jordan came down looking tired in his navy blue tennis shirt and khakis. Josh was practically matching but with a red shirt. He hated how his mother tended to dress them the same everyday. There was absolutely no individuality in this house and it killed him. 

 

“Mom!” Josh called up the stairs, “I’m leaving! Thanks for breakfast.” He left his picked at eggs on the table before sliding on a thin sweater to combat the morning breeze and stepped outside, not bothering to hear a response. Josh jumped in his beat up 2002 Ford F-150 pickup truck he was gifted for his 16th birthday. He revved up the engine before pulling away from their suburban home that sat with nicely trimmed hedges and trees. It wasn’t oversized for the family of 6, but it wasn’t too small either.

 

He drove the short distance to school, regretting leaving so early when he looked at the clock and noticed he still had 20 minutes to first warning bell. He slid out of his car, knowing Debby would be there and waiting for him with her cheerleading friends.

 

He walked into the doors of the school, noting the general emptiness. Most students being grade 9s and 10s who still needed to take the buses, which showed up much earlier.

 

“Baby!” He heard from a familiar voice and he turned around to look at Debby.

 

“Hey,” he smiled at the girl and her friends that stood besides the cheerleading captain as she ran up and hugged him along with a quick kiss. She tended to do this when she was with her friends and Josh kind of hated it. 

 

“I missed you!” She whined while looking up at him, arms still around his neck.

 

“I just saw you yesterday.” Josh asked confused.

 

“Yeah, and I missed you.” She giggled, looking back at her friends, “boys.” She rolled her eyes.

 

Josh simply nodded, not sure what else to say and lightly pulled himself out of her arms. 

 

“I’m so excited for Friday.” She beamed, looking back to see her friends’ confirmation of nods. 

 

Josh almost forgot about the party. He really didn’t want to do it but when his friends heard about his parent-less house, they demanded it not be taken for granted. He reluctantly agreed. It was hard to say no to his friends, scared to disappoint.

 

“Yeah, it will be fun.” Josh forced as Debby leaned in closer, whispering in his ear, “I can’t wait for you to see what I wear.” 

 

“Can’t wait either.” Josh put on his happy boyfriend face, smiling down at her. He quickly turned around when he heard a familiar laugh. 

 

“Are you seriously saying that James Franco is hotter then Leonardo DiCaprio? You are out of your mind!” Tyler cackled, pushing Ryan Ross.

 

“Yeah, I am fucking saying that. I would let James Franco _pound_ my ass into the grave.” Ryan said dead seriously, sending Tyler a stare with squinted eyes. 

 

“You are fucking insane! Leonardo is straight up dream boy material.” Tyler said in a daze staring at the ceiling of the hall. 

 

“But James Franco is straight up wet dream material.” Ryan finished with an eye roll. Tyler laughed loud and walked past Josh and the girls without so much as glancing at Josh.

 

“Ew, you think they would be a bit quieter about it,” Debby frowned looking at the boys, her friends behind her nodded along like the minions they were. Josh simply nodded as well, not sure what to say.

 

“I mean Tyler had so much potential! If he would have kept with basketball he definitely would have gotten a scholarship,” she shook her head, “I just don’t get it. Ryan Ross should be ashamed of himself for ruining his chances. Bringing that gay shit onto Tyler really changed him.” 

 

Josh was a bobble head, nodding along, ignoring the sharp pain in his chest.

 

~ * ~ * ~ * ~

 

It was a rainy day which meant the cafeteria at lunch was a war ground. The room definitely wasn’t large enough for everyone which was why most grade 9s and 10s ate outside, afraid to take an older student’s seat. Some preferred to eat on the school grounds though, like Tyler, which Josh didn’t understand. 

 

Now however, everyone was in the cafeteria due to the muddy grounds. Josh looked over to where Tyler and his friends sat at the parallel table. They were laughing. They always seemed to be laughing. 

 

Josh looked down into his lukewarm Mac and cheese, trying to ignore Tyler and Ryan bringing Mikey into their earlier debate over whether James Franco or Leonardo DiCaprio was hotter. Josh would have to say James. He was into brunettes. He smiled to himself, guys typically didn’t use the word ‘brunette’ to describe a boy. 

 

“Josh! Are you even listening?” Debby whined, smacking his arm.

 

“Huh?” He mumbled looking up from his plate.

 

“My friend Sarah is into Brendon and he’s not even going to give her a chance!” She nodded her head towards Brendon who sat texting on his phone, not caring to pay attention to Debby bad mouthing him. 

 

Josh shrugged, “I mean if he’s not into her, what can you do?” 

 

“Are you serious, Josh? You’re defending Brendon?! Sarah is gorgeous and _begging_ me to put in a good word, and you are just going to let him ruin my reputation of matchmaker? Unbelievable.” Debby scoffed at Brendon who still sat typing away on his phone with a smile on his face. Josh shrugged.

 

“Deb, leave the man be. He has a hoe taking care of him. Sarah is celibate, why would he commit to that?” Jon drawled from across the table.

 

“You’re such an asshole!” Debby sneered.

 

“I’m just looking out for my boy.” He smiled, wrapping an arm around Brendon’s shoulder, making him finally click his phone off and look up with a wide grin.

 

“Not everything is about sex, you pig.” Debby quipped, upset. Josh still sat next to her, quiet.

 

“Pft, why else would Josh be with you, Deb?” Jon jokes, but Debby’s face dropped into a deeper frown then before in a snap.

 

“Are you just going to let him treat me like this, Josh?!” Debby says, raising her voice.

 

“What do you want me to do?” Josh was really getting tired of Debby acting like a damsel in distress. As if Josh could save her, he couldn’t even stand up for himself. 

 

“You are unbelievable, Joshua!” She stood from her stool and walked away. Josh rolled his eyes as the rest of the team sat at the table, staring with entertained eyes.

 

“Yo, aren’t you gonna go after her?” Pete asked from further down the table. Josh simply shook his head. She would come back, everyone eventually did. 

 

He turned his head towards Tyler’s table as him and his friends stared with amused eyes. When they noticed they’d been caught, Ryan let out a laugh before a fond scoff of _‘Can they be any more cliché’_ as he glanced at the football players drinking Gatorade. Josh glanced over at Tyler who gave him a tiny smile and he looked down, sipping the cold drink and ignoring the smaller boy’s gaze.

 

Just then an announcement cut through the noisy room over the speaker, effectively shutting up the room. 

 

_“Football practice is cancelled tonight due to the flooded field. Coach Scott will reschedule.”_

 

Josh’s table let out various whoops, most of which being from the football team or girlfriends of the members. All being happy about the now open plans. 

 

“Hangout at my place?” Pete asked. He was one of the exceptions of not being on the team. But he was new and missed tryouts, and used that excuse of _‘Well I would have been on the team if I had the chance.’_ Everyone went along with it. He was a funny guy and had a nice house that was often available for hangouts.

 

There were choruses of _‘fuck yea’s_ ’ and Brendon’s response of “nah, sorry guys. I have plans,” Before he turned back to texting with a smile on his face while everyone else groaned. 

 

Josh frowned. There was no way he was going to another gathering of his “friends” without Brendon. He learned from that mistake last Friday when he was stuck talking about pussies and banters of who’s dick was the biggest. He thankfully escaped, and somehow found himself getting his cock sucked by Tyler. He supposed when he was drunk it was first nature to call up the fawn of a boy. He had such large eyes and soft lips that he couldn’t help his drunk mind from desiring.

 

“Eh, I think I’m gonna pass guys.” Josh shrugged, making others groan out again.

 

He looked up when Tyler’s table was laughing again. They were always fucking laughing and Josh was annoyed. His table sat with brewing gossip he wasn’t interested in and he just wanted to know what was making the other laugh so hard that even Ryan Ross cracked a smile.

 

~ * ~ * ~ * ~

 

Josh figured his coach must’ve been furious when school was let out to sunny weather. Ohio’s weather was pretty bipolar and this was an example of that. The team couldn’t really afford missing practice but he allowed himself to ignore the logical side of his brain and whooped, discovering he had a free night with nice weather. Josh jumped into his cherry red, slightly rusted truck and revved the engine, pulling out of the parking lot and eager to get home.

 

~ * ~ * ~ * ~

 

“Hello?” Tyler picked up his phone as he laid in his bed, looking over at his brother who sat at the desk doing his homework.

 

“Hey, are you doing anything?” Josh’s voice played through the phone into Tyler’s ears. 

 

“I don’t know, laying in bed, bored out of my mind. So pretty busy.” Tyler tried to joke but it was hard. Both Ryan and Mikey turned down his offer to hangout because they apparently had something better to do. Tyler had simply been laying in his bed and writing angry journal entries ever since he got home. 

 

Josh laughed, “I’m kinda sitting in my car on your street. I was wondering if you wanted to hangout..?” He asked. Tyler couldn’t believe how worried and nervous he sounded. Did he really think Tyler could say no? He was far past that point, in fact he was never even at a spot where he _could_ say no to the boy. Tyler quickly agreed and hung up. He threw himself off his tiny bed that squeaked in protest underneath him. 

 

“I’m leaving,” Tyler spoke to his brother, sliding on a jacket.

 

“For good? Finally.” Zack turned around in his office chair with a smirk on his face.

 

“Ha Ha. Yeah you only wish you could have a room to yourself for 24/7 jerk off opportunity.” Tyler rolled his eyes.

 

“Fuck off!” Zack’s face turned red, “go get your nails done or whatever it is gay guys do.” 

 

Tyler simply scoffed and walked out of the bedroom, leaving the door open. He knew Zack hated that.

 

He flew down the stairs, excited to get out of the house tonight, especially to be with Josh. “Mom, I’m going to a friend’s!” He shouted, knowing he probably wouldn’t get a response. She didn’t really care what Tyler did at this point.

 

He stepped out of the house, smiling at Josh in the car. He glanced at him nervously and motioned his head for him to get in. Tyler quickly obeyed. 

 

“Hi,” he greeted, sliding into the passenger seat. Josh simply smiled in response and quickly pulled off the side of the street, driving out of the neighbourhood. 

 

“Where are we going?” Tyler asked after a few minutes of silence. Josh steered onto a road that went the opposite way of the park and town. He knew they obviously wouldn’t go someplace public in daylight so it made sense, but Tyler didn’t usually go this way unless his family was traveling to the lake for vacation.

 

“It’s nice out, I thought we could go to this little spot me and my family used to hang out at.” He had a faint smile and Tyler beamed back.

 

When they finally got there, Tyler didn’t want to say he was _disappointed_ because he wasn’t, just slightly surprised that _this_ was the spot Josh had such fond memories in.

 

He pulled the truck up on the grass and Tyler stepped out, they walked for a few minutes before getting to an opening where a rocky beach and pool of water sat. It was overgrown and the grass was still wet from the rain. The water was a blue with a tinge of brown and green and definitely not clear. But this was Josh’s place. Josh had brought Tyler there and that almost made him dizzy to think about. 

 

“It’s beautiful,” Tyler turned around and smiled at Josh who stood behind him, nervously twiddling his fingers waiting for feedback. 

 

He laughed, “Not really, but nobody ever comes here anymore so I thought it would be cool to see...”

 

“It’s cool,” Tyler reassured with a nod as he walked to the waters edge. He found it funny how insecure Josh always seemed when him and Tyler were alone. Not so much when he was drunk, but when it was just Tyler and Josh, the bigger boy seemed like a mess of anxiety and that sort of made Tyler love him a bit more. Woah, back pedal. _Admire_. Tyler couldn’t bring himself to say that he loved the boy because he _didn’t._ He wasn’t stupid enough to let himself feel that.

 

“You should have told me to bring my bathing suit,” Tyler sighed as he stepped his bare feet into the warm water.

 

“You don’t really need it, do you?” Josh spoke cheekily, finally losing that look of nervousness.

 

“Josh, are you telling me to skinny dip?!” Tyler gasped in mock surprise.

 

“I mean you said it, not me.” Josh grinned, dropping towels he had grabbed from the bed of the truck to the shore. He tugged off his shirt making Tyler pause for a second and take in his freckled chest. He never got used to seeing Josh shirtless. It was different when he got changed in gym from when it was just the two of them. This was with purpose. 

 

“Come here,” he opened his arms and Tyler quickly ran into them, kissing his lips letting Josh’s stubble scratch his smooth face. Tyler didn’t like to admit he still wasn’t able to grow any facial hair besides a sparse moustache. Josh didn’t seem to mind though.

 

“Why weren’t you in gym?” Josh pulled back, still holding Tyler. He could feel tiny goosebumps along Josh’s back under his fingertips.

 

“I switched out to a spare.” He shrugged, acting like it wasn’t due to him and his friends.

 

Josh simply pouted, “well how am I going to look at you changing everyday?” 

 

“I guess you will just have to come see me a bit more,” Tyler smiled before leaning in to peck Josh’s cold lips. He pushed into Tyler, warm tongue meeting warm tongue, and he smiled when Josh tasted like cheep gum. The fruity kind that was sickly sweet but lost flavour after a few minutes. Tyler took it in, hoping he would be able to taste it for much longer then the gum had lasted in Josh’s mouth. 

 

The two blindly walked towards the shore, mouths still entwined. Tyler’s feet hit the water first and Josh kept walking him in. He pulled back and smiled at the shorter boy, “do you want to swim or not?” He tugged at Tyler’s shirt and he willingly raised his arms and allowed the fabric to be slipped off. Josh unbuttoned his khakis that were soaked through at the legs hems and slipped out, tossing them onto the shore. He looked at Tyler, waiting in his briefs. Tyler tossed his shirt towards Josh’s pants, thanking the short distance and that it didn’t land in the water. He pulled down his jeans and tossed them on top of the other discarded clothes. Josh smiled and pushed him further into the lake, Tyler losing balance in the process causing water to noisily splash as he stumbled backwards. Josh laughed and walked deeper, goosebumps spiking on his skin. 

 

Tyler blindly searched for Josh’s hand under the murky water and gripped it when he found it. The boys stayed close together, letting their arms brush as they got torso deep in the semi-cool water. 

 

They didn’t talk much, but that was just them. They splashed and kissed and scared each other in the water and soon found themselves back on shore, the sun was setting and crickets were loud. Their briefs were being weighed down by the water and they sluggishly trudged out, landing on the set out beach towels. 

 

Josh laughed and tugged Tyler close, their wet bodies sticking together as the night’s music filled the air. It reminded him of the park but better- they were so far away from the town, and the school and maybe the park was _their_ place, but maybe this could be too.

 

Tyler looked up and smiled at the quickly darkening sky, it must’ve been around 8. He wondered what Mikey and Ryan were doing. He didn’t feel upset for being rejected earlier for long though, because he looked to his left and saw Josh lying besides him, staring at the purple-black sky. Stars were beginning to peak through in the darkness and Tyler smiled at how cliché this all seemed.

 

“Do you ever wonder why you are the way you are?” Josh’s voice creaked in the dark.

 

“All the time.” Tyler sighed thinking of all the times his parents cried _why can’t you just go to church with us, Tyler?_

 

“I don’t like the way I am.” Josh spoke to the sky. Maybe he was talking to the trees, maybe he was talking to Tyler, but it sure seemed like he was trying to talk to the breeze, Tyler decided. He was trying to get the truth taken away; secrets can get blown and never linger if you just speak it to something on the move, something you don’t really know.

 

“I don’t really like how you are either, Josh.” Tyler’s voice cracked honestly as he looked around the encircled trees. It seemed like they were always in the centre of big oaks, he liked the way it was like they held them there, like Josh couldn’t run away.

 

“I’m sorry I am the way I am.” Josh muttered, finally looking at Tyler. It seemed like his eyes were watering but there was no way _Josh_ was crying. It was definitely the stars shining in his eyes. They tended to do that, Tyler told himself. “I don’t know why I’m like this, but it’s like I’m fucking useless. I can’t be myself, but I can’t just keep things how they are. I hate how things are, Tyler.” Josh sounded frustrated.

 

“Why can’t you be yourself?” Tyler wanted to scream _just love me already! Please?_ But he was weak and he was hopeless.

 

Josh laughed and shook his head, “If I came out it would ruin everything. Tyler, I like you and all, but my life would be over. This just isn’t right, Tyler.” 

 

“Well then why are you here?” Tyler mumbled bitterly, rolling over to face away from Josh’s burning eyes.

 

“Ty, don’t be like that. I didn’t mean it like that. You know I’m not good with words.” He pulled his body back, spooning the boy. “Tyler, I really like you.” Josh’s lips touched his ear, whispering the words straight into his soul. Tyler felt as if his soul was falling through his toes and he put a hand over his chest, scared his heart would fly out of the cage of ribs it was held behind. He considered maybe ripping it out himself and handing it to the warmth that laid behind him.

 

“Look at me,” Josh rolled him over and placed their lips together. “I want you, Tyler.” 

 

And at that, Tyler could feel his heart jump out of his body, and it was shoved into Josh’s chest when he pulled him close into a harder kiss then before. Tyler practically moaned when Josh spoke the words repeatedly into his mouth as he tugged down his still soaked briefs. He tossed them over into the sand and moved over him. 

 

“I want to fuck you.” Josh spoke, determined as he looked down for confirmation.

 

“Okay.” Tyler didn’t even think of saying no. Not when he was wanted. Fuck, he was _wanted_. He would give that man anything.

 

Josh smirked and tugged down his own underwear and Tyler looked to see that Josh was already half hard. He leaned down and kissed Tyler, letting their dicks touch, they were still damp from being confined in wet underwear. 

 

Josh let his head drop to Tyler’s shoulder, kissing slowly with an open mouth, leaving behind slobber as he trailed it up his neck before landing back to his lips. Tyler felt the shiver run down his spine and goosebumps raised on his naked body before Josh slowly gridded down against Tyler. He let out a quiet whimper in Josh’s mouth, sound getting muffled. Josh’s hand dropped down and gripped at Tyler’s growing erection, “I’m always taking. I want to _give_.” 

 

Tyler squeaked, not trusting his voice so he simply nodded as Josh palmed him.

 

“I thought I would never be able to feel anything for anyone when I was little. Turns out I just needed a guy to fuck.” Josh spoke into his ear, gripping his balls and slipping a finger down his taint, stopping over his hole. Tyler was jelly- not good for anything besides letting out helpless moans. Josh rubbed a slow circle around Tyler before bringing his finger up to Tyler’s mouth, asking him to suck on it. He opened his mouth, letting the finger enter. Tyler swirled his tongue around the digit. He watched as Josh slightly grunted and licked his lips before pulling his finger out and dropping it to Tyler’s hole. He slipped the wet finger into the tight ring of muscles and Tyler let out a tiny moan. 

 

Josh played with him, allowing it to enter and re-enter before adding a second digit. It cause Tyler to slightly grunt when he slid it in dry, but it became comfortable soon as he worked it in and out. Tyler let out a loud whine when Josh touched his prostate, milking it for a bit before pulling away. He scissored him open, stretching the hole to an accommodating size as he kissed Tyler’s red, bitten lips. 

 

“I don’t have a condom. Is that okay?” Josh asked and Tyler nodded before thinking. He knew that was stupid of him but he would give this man anything and everything.

 

Tyler let his legs fall further apart as Josh took his place between them. Tyler looked up slightly confused when Josh backed up further until his face was by his ass. A single swipe of his tongue let Tyler know what was going on. _Oh_. They had never done this before.

 

Tyler whimpered as Josh held his cheeks apart with both hands and let the tip of his tongue trace his hole. He lapped him up, darting the tip in for a quick second sending a jolt in Tyler. 

 

“ _More_ ,” Tyler whined. He didn’t know what he wanted but he _needed_ something more then tiny licks on his hole. 

 

Josh sounded turned on as he grunted and stuck his tongue in him, circling the inside curiously. Tyler couldn’t breath, his chest was still until he let out a loud gasp when Josh entered a finger, quickly finding his prostate while still licking him. He felt like his body was on fire and Josh was the match. The cold sand was the only thing centring him.

 

“Josh, I’m gonna-“ Tyler sputtered and Josh quickly pulled away making the boy let out a tiny whimper from lost contact.

 

“I’m not done with you yet,” Josh grunted into his ear, when he placed himself back over the smaller body. Tyler found himself moaning at the thought of more.

 

“Fuck me,” Tyler whined, not sure he could take the radiating warmth from Josh much longer. Josh groaned in agreement, grabbing Tyler’s legs and delicately placing them over his shoulders. He would smile at the gentle touches if it were not the situation they were in. 

 

Josh lined himself up, placing the head between Tyler’s cheeks before slowly pushing in, relishing the warmth all around. They muttered out quiet curses as Josh slid in further, past the shaft and down to the hilt. When he bottomed out, he slowly retreated and pushed back in. It was soft and sweet and their lips locked as Josh’s hips made contact with Tyler. 

 

The two were letting out little gasps and moans at the intimacy, Josh breaking out of the kiss to run his tongue along the bottom of Tyler’s lip. He locked his hands with Tyler’s by his side on the ground and continued thrusting into him.

 

It was so _nice._ It wasn’t hard and demanding and Tyler found himself at a loss of breath. He felt his eyes watering but it wasn’t because he was in pain. This was perfect. This was everything he had been longing for with Josh, it was like what he had envisioned for their first time- not the hard, bruised hips and swollen lip from biting so hard. This was what he wanted. He let out a tiny sniff as a tear dropped and Josh pulled back to look at him.

 

“Are you alright, baby?” Josh mumbled and Tyler’s heart was in his throat. He cared. He _cared_. He **_cared._**

 

Tyler nodded his head quickly, smiling through a moan and Josh leaned down, kissing the tear on Tyler’s cheek and he realized there- even if he wanted to stop this feeling for Josh he couldn’t. It was like an ancient tree; rooted and secure and even if you chop it down, there will still be remnants.

 

Josh pulled his hand out of Tyler’s entwined fingers and rested it on his leaking cock. Tyler’s breath hitched as he worked on it, keeping the pace perfect. The downstroke landed perfectly with when he pushed in, and on the upstroke he squeezed his length a bit. 

 

Tyler was close. Their breaths were laboured and Josh’s movements began to get sloppy. 

 

Tyler saw a burst of white and that familiar warmth shot into his stomach. His vision got foggy and he forgot where he was for a second as he let out a loud moan and came on Josh’s hand and torso. 

 

Josh kept pushing, letting out a low grunt as Tyler clenched around him. 

 

Tyler’s eyes shot open as he felt Josh come inside him. This was new. He felt full and good and fucking _wanted._

 

Josh moaned and dropped on top of Tyler with laboured breath, pressing a messy and uncoordinated kiss to Tyler’s lips. He slowly pulled out and Tyler winced and shifted uncomfortably as he felt his come trickling out of himself.

 

Josh rolled off of him and stared back at the sky. It seemed like nothing was different from before but that might’ve been the biggest change in Tyler’s life. Now that made all the difference. 

 

“Wow,” Josh sighed, still out of breath.

 

“Wow,” Tyler repeated, feeling possibly on cloud nine. That wasn’t fucking. That wasn’t just sex. That was making love. 

 

Tyler looked up at the now pitch black sky littered with stars, shamelessly smiling. He was biting his tongue from saying that four letter word.

 

_Love._

 

Tyler loved Josh and he was at peace with that. He had given his heart and there was no going back.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Aw shit, Tyler. What are your guys' opinions on everyone? I love hearing what you think about them (or just hearing from you at all)!!! AHHHH next chapter is the party and I'm honestly so excited for you all to read itttttt.


	4. Midnight Show

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I am so sorry for such the long wait :(((( I had sooooo many set backs!!! I was on vacation last week and the week before that I was suspended and got my laptop taken away as punishment... BUT HERE IT IS. I have so many references in this chapter (try and spot them all? ;) I really hope you enjoy this chapter... it's a lot more eventful then past chapters ;)
> 
> TW- Homophobia? 
> 
> Song of the Chapter -[Lazy Eye by Silversun Pickups](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=z-mxBDuRaZ8)

The rest of the week went by slow and dreadfully. The party at Josh’s was the main topic of conversations. Whispers of who’s going and how fucked up everyone plans to get. Tyler rolled his eyes at high school in general. Is this all anybody looked forward to? 

 

Truth was, while everyone was buzzing with excitement, Tyler was shuddering with nerves. He couldn’t understand why Ryan seemed so blasé about the whole thing. They were going to a party. A _big_ party. 

 

Mikey seemed to understand what Tyler was feeling, but on top of nerves was a highlight of excitement. The boy was bouncing by Friday.

 

“Would you sit still?” Ryan snapped as he stood in-front of Mikey’s mirror that rested atop his dresser. Mikey sat bouncing up and down on the bed, smiling as he stared at Ryan lining his eyes with black.

 

Tyler sat on the floor playing Mario kart by himself, despite his protests. It was boring competing with the computers when it seemed like he was easily better then them all. 

 

“I can’t help it! I’m excited. Who knows what could happen tonight!” Mikey bounced up and down on his red sheets and Ryan rolled his eyes and turned away from the mirror to look at Mikey.

 

“Exactly, anything could happen- the police might have broken up the party by the time we get there, so don’t get your hopes up,” Ryan monotoned. While Mikey was the glass half full, Ryan tended to be the empty beer bottle in the corner of a room. Mikey’s eyes flickered down but his smile came back on his face and he bounced again after a second. “Would you stop fucking bouncing? You’re gonna make me poke out my eye.” 

 

“I’m not even near you!” Mikey shot back as he crossed his arms but continued to squeak the bed.

 

“Yeah but you’re distracting me. So quit it the fuck out.” 

 

“Would you guys shut up? Toad is about to beat me cause you tools are ruining my game. Fucking _Toad._ ” Tyler cut in as Mikey squinted at Ryan. 

 

“Get over it.” Ryan muttered as his phone began ringing. He looked down and quickly picked it up and ran out of the room as he answered with a breathless “Hey,” and a smile. Mikey and Tyler looked at each other confused when they soon heard the bathroom door in the hall close, blocking out Ryan’s conversation.

 

“Who the hell is that?” Mikey wondered.

 

Tyler just shrugged, not thinking much of it. “Can you play now? You can choose the level.” Tyler pleaded and Mikey sighed and finally gave in, slumping on the floor next to Tyler and grabbing a wii remote.

 

~ * ~ * ~

 

Tyler’s heart pounded in his chest. Were they too early? Were they too late? Ryan explained that you couldn’t be ‘too late’ to a party _(“unless if it’s already shut down by the cops, like all_ ** _good_** _parties should eventually be”)_ this completely contradicted what he learned as a child. _(“Tyler, Jesus Christ did not sacrifice himself on the cross for the forgiveness of man’s sins for you to be late to church. Shame on you.”)_ Apparently all normal rules were thrown out the window when it came to parties.

 

He was triple checking his hair in the mirror as Mikey tried to decide what coat looked the best while Ryan sat on the couch, looking at them uninterested. 

 

“Are you sure we aren’t late?” Mikey asked worried while looking at his phone that read 10:27pm.

 

“What did I tell you guys? Don’t worry about it! I’m sure it hasn’t even started yet.” Ryan rolled his eyes and stood from the couch, sweeping his side bang over a bit.

 

“Fuck it.” Mikey muttered annoyed, throwing all the coats he couldn’t decide from to the ground and stepping outside in a T-shirt. 

 

Ryan and Tyler followed him out into the darkness of the night. Streetlights acting as a landing strip, leading them down the street.

 

They decided to walk from Mikey’s house, knowing Josh’s was close by. They didn’t want to be stuck with a car and need to drive it home. Tonight was the night to drink and finally experience what all the praise over high school parties were about.

 

They walked slowly, and Tyler’s heart gets stuck in his throat and his feet feel like 2 cement blocks as they saw the lit up house Tyler knows all too well.

 

~ * ~ * ~

 

So Ryan lied. Because they were apparently very late. 

 

The house was booming loudly and everyone was already stumbling drunk around them. Mikey and Tyler stared with lost eyes as Ryan walked forward, blindly towards the kitchen. The two trailed behind the tallest boy like lost puppies.

 

Tyler looked around at the people who didn’t even notice them, or care that they walked in and he felt himself smile. This could be better then he thought. He grabbed the red cup that Ryan offered him as they stood in the kitchen. It was less busy then the living room and Tyler appreciated that.

 

Tyler thought this would be like the house parties in movies; spin the bottle, truth or dare, _dancing._ But this, this was drunken boys stumbling from girl to girl trying to get their dicks wet. Maybe they were very late and missed all the fun. 

 

Tyler wasn’t typically upset about missing cliché games, he was more disappointed in not being able to live out a mirage of stupid teen movies. He felt himself pout but the smile came back on when Mikey made a face at the strong drink Ryan had offered him. 

 

“Pussy.” Ryan smirked as he chugged back his vodka-red bull concoction and Tyler sipped at his sprite that had just a shot of tequila in it. He wasn’t a heavy drinker and a lightweight, so he decided to not be over zealous.

 

~ * ~ * ~

 

So apparently they _hadn’t_ missed all the fun like Tyler thought. After Ryan and Mikey chugged back a few drinks and Tyler sipped at his original concoction, Jenna stumbled into the kitchen where the 3 boy’s were stood at the counter, cautiously close to the drinks. Ryan called it protecting the goods while Tyler just saw it as hogging.

 

Jenna’s hair looked dirty as if it was a teased mess of hairspray and bobby pins that was now falling out of place. 

 

“Tyler! You came!” She squealed in delight and Tyler felt his lips curl up. Maybe it was the warmth of alcohol in his blood or the fact that she was genuinely happy he was there. Maybe it was a mix of both. 

 

“I did.” He said simply, looking into his red cup of soda and liquor.

 

“C’mon guys! We’re playing spin the bottle. This is your one chance to kiss straight boys.” She said with a wink, grabbing Tyler and Mikey’s hand’s and beckoning Ryan to follow with a nod of her head. Tyler snorted at the irony. They entered into the living room where a group was already forming into a misshaped circle and Tyler spotted Josh for the first time of the night. 

 

He had been in the back of Tyler’s mind the whole time, but he didn’t end up looking around the home for him. He wouldn’t have talked to Tyler anyways. Not when he is with his friends and girlfriend, he thought bitterly as he glanced at Debby sitting next to Josh with their fingers intertwined.

 

“Why are the lovebirds playing?” Pete asked nodding his head to Debby and Josh with a drunken smile.

 

“Because Debby is just holding onto the 1 in 12 chance that the bottle will land on me.” Jon said cheekily.

 

“Ha Ha. Very funny, Walker.” Josh slurred, too drunk to come up with a come back as he slumped back, resting his weight on his arms.

 

Jenna tugged the 3 boys down into a nonexistent space in the circle and smiled at them. Nobody seemed to notice them joining, besides Brendon who looked at them before turning down to stare at his beer bottle. 

 

“I get to start!” Jenna cheered as she leaned over the bottle- shirt being pulled to the floor by gravity and causing all the boy’s to gawk at her bra. 

 

There were cheers as the bottle landed on Debby before Jenna crawled over to her, locking their lips. The boys wolf whistled and Tyler stared in shock. He was expecting a peck but that was a full on make out. Was he expected to do the same? He began to panic but sighed when the bottle went to Jenna’s left, instead of Tyler on her right. 

 

Tyler watched Ryan crawl across the carpet to spin the bottle and watched the dark green blur slow to a stop in front of Pete. He shot a pearly white smile as Ryan crawled over to him and the two slowly met each other. 

 

What was going on? No protest? No gags? Tyler looked around the circle as everyone sat with drunken smiles  besides Brendon who for some reason stared at the carpet with white knuckles gripping his beer bottle. Apparently all normal gay jokes flew out the window when it came to spin the bottle? Maybe that’s what Jenna meant by being able to get away with kissing straight boys. Alright, he could deal with this. 

 

Ryan pulled away and wipped his mouth before scooting back to his spot between Jenna and Mikey. 

 

On Mikey’s turn, it landed on a pretty brunette named Sara and he looked mortified. She looked equally scared, but tried to cover it up with a smile as Mikey crawled to her and gave her a quick kiss.

 

“Pussy! That was a peck!” Someone from the sidelines shouted and Mikey sighed before leaning in once again and placing a more secure kiss to her lips. He pulled away and Tyler laughed when he wiped his lips when no one was looking.

 

When it came to Brendon he shot a cocky grin at everyone, “whoever this lands on is one lucky bastard.” He turned his head down and Tyler noticed the dark haired boy seemed _nervous._ He spun the bottle and it started to slow down at him and Tyler began to panic. He sighed in relief as it went past Jenna and finally stopped at Ryan. Brendon looked relieved for a moment before looking even more nervous to begin with. 

 

He crawled over to Ryan and placed his hand on the taller boy’s shoulder. Ryan rested back and Brendon leaned forward to connect their lips. It seemed to drag on a lot longer then necessary and he could feel people’s eyes shifting around to each other. He tried not to cringe when the sound of their lips smacking with saliva was ringing in Tyler’s ears. He looked at Josh and smiled when he noticed he was being watched. Josh quickly looked down at his hands with a red face. 

 

“Shit Bren, Is Ry turning you a bit gay?” A voice cackled and Tyler looked over to Jon, who sat red faced from laughing so hard as Brendon quickly pulled away from their over done kiss.

 

“Fuck off, asshole.” Brendon mumbled as he sat back in his spot in the circle.

 

“At least I don’t _fuck_ assholes.” Jon fell to his back, laughing when Brendon pushed his shoulder with a frown. 

 

“Well...” Pete laughed, trying to defuse the awkwardness “my turn.” 

 

He spun the bottle and it slowed to a stop at Sara. As soon as it landed on her, she was hunched over, throwing up the remaining food and liquor sitting in her stomach, painting her dress an ugly orange colour.

 

Debby was quick to stand up and help her friend out of the game and to the bathroom. 

 

“Well, that’s not usually the reaction I get.” Pete cracks and leans over to spin again when Brendon holds his hand out and smiles. “Nu-uh. You go to the next closest. Hold your breath Mikey, Pete is as close to dog shit as you can get.” 

 

Everyone laughed besides Mikey who sat frozen, criss-crossed. Pete punched Brendon in the shoulder playfully and bit his tongue between his white teeth as he crawled over to Mikey and pulled their mouths together. Tyler watched Mikey keep his eyes open in shock, before shutting them in what looked like content a second later. 

 

The kiss wasn’t near as long as Brendon and Ryan’s but it seemed just as steamy, except less full of nerves with Pete’s confidence making up for the both of them. Pete made his way back to his spot and winked at Mikey when he noticed the boy staring with red cheeks.

 

“Well, I don’t think Debby will be coming back anytime soon, unfortunately. Your turn, Joshie.” Jon chimed in with a cocked head.

 

Josh simply nodded and moved to his knees to lean over the carpet to the bottle. He flicked his wrist and watched the bottle spin and spin like the most dizzying fair ride. 

 

Tyler heart was pounding out of his chest as it taunted him in all it’s blurred glory. 

 

_Please don’t land on me. Please don’t land on me. Please don’t land on me._

 

It was a mantra playing in his head and Tyler himself wasn’t a religious man, but if there was ever a time to pray- it was now.

 

Maybe it was the gay thing, or the fact that he let somebody take his virginity before he was married- not to mention it was to a boy, but Jesus seemed to be getting back at him, because like the funniest punchline in a joke- the bottle landed smack dab on Tyler.

 

He cursed under his breath as Josh made eye contact with him, panic clear across his eyes. He sat on his knees for a few moments simply staring across the circle at Tyler before Pete pushed him forward. He slowly wadded over on his knees and looked at Tyler for a second before leaning forward and wrapping him in warmth as their mouths locked.

 

Butterflies flooded his stomach as his eyes instantly closed. He had to sit on his hands as to not reach up and comb them through Josh’s boyish curls. This wasn’t how it normally was. This was soft and sweet and so unlike their usual heated affairs that burned with fire. This kiss grew consuming flowers in his lungs that was slowly suffocating him with want. But not lust, just simple _want_.

 

Before he could comprehend the warmth, Josh was pulling away and moving back to his seat leaving Tyler with dry lips and numb hands. 

 

“We ran out of our keg! We need a driver. Is someone sober here?” A boy named Joe stumbled into the living room and Tyler looked at Josh as he practically burned a hole in the floor, ignoring everyone around him. “I have a fake ID, but I need someone to drive.” 

 

Tyler only had one shot worth of liquor more then an hour ago and he couldn’t feel any effects that could be from the alcohol. The fuzziness in his stomach was purely due to Josh’s kiss. 

 

Tyler raised his hand, “I can drive.” Ryan and Mikey looked at him, surprised he would offer to do anything that would put him in a situation with someone unfamiliar. He couldn’t sit here and watch Josh’s look of burning shame any longer, and he didn’t want to particularly stay around for his own turn. This was the perfect escape.

 

“Tyler! Sweettt.” Joe nodded his head and motioned to the front door and Tyler stood up and followed him. He tossed him his keys and Tyler caught them, thanking the heavens for his experience in basketball. If he dropped the keys it would be _so_ embarrassing.

 

He walked to Joe’s Chrysler 300 and stepped into the drivers seat while the inebriated boy sat in the passenger side. He pulled out of the driveway and began to drive towards town.

 

They sat in a silence for the majority before Joe let out a “soooooooo...”

 

“Sooooo...” Tyler echoed back while keeping his eyes on the road.

 

“You’re one of gay kids right?” He asked but it didn’t sound malicious, more so curious.

 

“Is that all I’m known for at this point?” Tyler cut bitterly.

 

“I mean, you quit basketball. What else is there to be known for?” Joe drunkenly smiled but Tyler’s frown deepened.

 

“I hated basketball. I was only in it ‘cause my parents forced me.”

 

“Well you were damn good at it, if I remember right.” 

 

“Mhm.” Tyler didn’t know how else to respond. Thank you? Thanks for complimenting me on something I never cared about?Thank you for noticing I had a skill for something that made me miserable?

 

“So... what’s being gay like?” He asked curiously and Tyler looked at his for a second with a scoff.

 

“Like being straight except people seem to find you unnatural.”

 

“Damn, I’m sorry bro. I can’t even imagine what I’d do if people judged me for liking pussy.” Joe said sincerely with glassy red eyes.

 

Tyler slightly laughed and smiled as he watched the town lights begin to approach.

 

“I honestly don’t understand why people make such a big deal out of gay guys y’know? Like half the homophobes come in their pants watching 2 girls make out. Being gay is awesome.” He said in a slight daze, staring up at the traffic lights.

 

Tyler laughed at his drunkenness, “well thank you for the reassurance.” He smiled.

 

“Any time bro.” He unbuckled his seatbelt when Tyler pulled into the liquor store parking lot and opened the door. Before shutting it, he leaned his messy curls back into the car, “and Tyler, you’re a cool bro. Don’t let Jon and his friends get you down. There’s nothing wrong with being a lil’ gay.” He shut the door and shot little finger guns, walking backwards before turning around when he almost tripped backwards in his drunkenness.

 

“Or a lot.” Tyler muttered with a smile as he thought back to him and Josh’s kiss with everyone watching. He could get used to that because in Josh’s warmth, he didn’t think about the others.

 

~ * ~ * ~

 

Tyler walked back into the loud house, trailing behind Joe as he lugged the keg through the house to it’s resided spot in the kitchen. He wasn’t muscular, but he was still carrying the heavy weight by himself and Tyler was impressed.

 

Everyone was further gone then when he left. The living room was less crowded and sweaty, mostly everyone consuming the couches or carpet to lazily make out. Tyler frowned. Where did Mikey and Ryan go?

 

“I bet everyone is smoking up.” Joe spoke from behind Tyler, startling him. Tyler looked back at the crazy haired man.

 

“You’re looking for your friends right?” Joe asked when Tyler stared back in confusion.

 

Right. He was looking for his friends. Nobody else, because at this point, Ryan and Mikey are the only ones on Tyler’s mind. Definitely.

 

Tyler nodded his head in confirmation.

 

“Well look outside. Ryan is known to hog all the shit. Better get there before the fucker smokes it all.” Joe laughed.

 

 _Ryan is known._ Ryan is at a point where he is known for something at parties? Since when had he been going to house parties getting high off his face in the first place? Tyler’s mind is flooding with questions but he finds himself walking across the living room to the sliding patio door.

 

Instantly he is hit with the strong smell of skunk. Like when you drive past roadkill and you can just tell that it was a skunk that was hit. It was like cruising past that roadkill but with teenagers lying on lawn chairs instead of a dead animal on the side of a highway.

 

“Now this, _this_ is my favourite little dude.” Pete drunkenly wraps his arm over Mikey’s shoulder and sways them back and forth, speaking to the other teens who are high off their faces. Tyler can see the happy blush on Mikey’s cheeks as his eyes glaze just as red. If only Pete knew _he_ was the little dude and not Mikey. Irony.

 

“Tyler!” Mikey smiles when he notices him walk outside. 

 

Tyler curls his lips curtly and watches the flickering embers of the joint light up Pete’s face as he sucks on the joint. It reminds him of nights in the park. Walking to the swing set. Orange flame and moonlight being the only thing on Josh’s face. Chiseling his features perfectly.

 

“What’s up?” Tyler sits on the lawn chair across and looks around the circle. There is only about 7 teenagers, all looking equally out of it as a bong and a joint is passed around. 

 

“Just y’know. Sitting. Looking at the sky. Having a good time. Looking at the sky.” Mikey lists off with dilated pupils as he watches Pete greedily take a second hit, holding the heavy smoke in his lungs before letting it out in a slow cloud.

 

“What are you wearing?” Tyler asks with a creased eyebrow. He remembered Mikey’s stand-off with all of his unfit coats before leaving in a t-shirt. Now he sits in a pristine white jacket.

 

“I was cold. Pete let me wear his coat.” Mikey wraps the white fabric closer to himself and makes grabby hands at Pete’s joint. Pete goes to hand it to him but pulls it back jokingly, smiling with his large white teeth. Mikey lets out a tiny whine and Pete finally hands it to him. Tyler had never seen Mikey as someone to smoke. Apparently he dosen’t know much about his friends, he thought bitterly of Ryan frequenting these types of parties. Is that where he would be all the times Tyler asked him to hang out. _Sorry Tyler, I_ _have plans_. He wasn’t jealous. No way. He didn’t care that his friend of equal social status was hanging out with Josh, and Debby, and everyone else who was normally too cool for them. No it’s cool. He doesn’t care.

 

“Where is Ryan?” Tyler questions finally noticing he was missing from the circle. The guy next to him blows out smoke from his chapped lips and offers him the bong. Tyler shakes his head. His parents were basically hound dogs, if he were to smoke, they would know. And then there would be another item on the list of _why Tyler Joseph is a terrible son._ It seemed as long as The Holy Bible at this point. He nervously looked around at the permeating smoke and cautiously held his arms over his coat, as if it would shield the smell from attaching to his clothes.

 

“He had to piss.” Mikey coughs out, choking on smoke. “He’s pretty fucked up.” He laughs for longer then fitted for the statement. Clearly Ryan is not the only one.

 

“I’ll go find him.” Tyler sighs. He should have known coming here would just be him playing mother. God forbid, Tyler Joseph having a good time. He pitied himself. If only someone else would as well.

 

Tyler walked back into the muggy house. It was still dominated by obnoxious top 40 songs that drained out the sounds of wet lips meshing together. Tyler quickly escaped the living room, trying to avoid looking at couples for more then 2 seconds. He walked to the bathroom but frowned when it was unoccupied. 

 

There was also an upstairs washroom so Tyler sighed and banked on the idea that someone was in there when Ryan was looking for it, resulting in him stumbling upstairs. Oh god he’s drunk and high. What if he falls down the stairs? Tyler began to panic as he ran up the familiar steps that lead to the oh so familiar hall that stems off to a even more familiar room. He avoids looking at Josh’s bedroom door as he walks to the upstairs bathroom. 

 

The door is closed and he sighs in relief, knowing Ryan is in there. He bangs on the door. Might as well help him in case he’s throwing up his liquor. Don’t want him choking on his tongue do we?

 

“Occupied!” A voice yells through the door followed by a female giggle. Tyler freezes and puts his ear to the door.

 

“Please, just give me a blow job baby. You are making me so horny.” Josh’s voice practically moans. Tyler frowns as he listens in on their conversation.

 

“In the bathroom? That’s kind of gross.” Debby says in a flirtatious giggle.

 

“Nu-uh. It’s not gross, it’s hot.” Josh breaths and Tyler can only imagine his desperate face. The way his fingers knot in your shirt hem as he stares at your lips. He feels sick.

 

“Why can’t we go in your bedroom.” Debby whines, sounding like a child.  _C’mon Josh, I’m right here_. Is this what/who he had to stoop to? 

 

“I told you, there’s someone in my bathroom.” Tyler thinks of Ryan, stumbling through the first door of the hall and finding Josh’s room. He must’ve seen the bathroom door adjacent and quickly went to it, too lazy to look for the other one down the hall meant for guests. 

 

“So what? We could be fucking by now.” Debby speaks quieter and Tyler has to really focus to be able to pick it up through the door. He slightly regrets it as images of Josh fucking him in his bed paints behind his eyelids. His face is suddenly morphed into Debby, along with large breasts and a curved waist. He wants to throw up.

 

Josh groans loudly, “you know I want to, but I don’t want the person walking out on us making love. You know I like it to be special.” Josh sounds like he is joking, but the words are still there. _Love. Special._

 

“Making love? Is that what you are finally calling it?” Debby’s voice laughs fondly and Tyler can feel his heart stop for a moment. He presses his ear closer and holds his breath.

 

“You know I love you, Deb.” Josh breaths and he can only imagine him leaning over and kissing the smile on Debby’s largely obnoxious lips with her cherub cheeks and sparkling innocent eyes that are too big for her face. Tyler feels his heart clench in his chest and tears blur his vision as he tears himself away from the door. He wants to leave. He wants to run away. 

 

Fuck her.

Fuck him.

Fuck these feelings.

 

Tyler stomps to the familiar room that works as a temple. Worshiping bodies. Breathing prayers. Panting God’s name in lust. He was going to Hell, but at least he had a window seat on the way. 

 

He practically rips open the door, preparing to stomp to the bathroom and tear an inebriated Ryan out of the house along with Mikey, but he finds himself stopping in his tracks. 

 

“Shit!” Brendon shouts and tries to cover himself, sliding off Ryan’s naked body like a snake recoiling after being stomped on. 

 

 _Rape._ It’s the only explanation for what is going on, but then Ryan is mumbling out protests and pouting when Brendon is quickly tugging on his boxers, hard on making a tent in the fabric.

 

“I thought you locked the door!” Brendon shouts at Ryan who seems unbothered at his nakedness. Ryan simply shrugs. Tyler stays glued to his spot looking back and forth between the two. This wasn’t _right_. 

 

“What the fuck.” Tyler says accusingly, mostly towards Ryan as he lays dazed, Brendon pulling the bed sheet over Ryan’s naked form and staring at Tyler with what could only be described as fear and panic in one. Maybe there was a dash of lust in the back as well with having Ryan naked in less then a 3 feet radius.

 

“I’m sorry.” Ryan mumbles and it sounds like he is close to tears. Ryan Ross- _crying_. This must all be a dream. Tyler must be really fucked up to be imagining this stuff. Because Ryan doesn’t cry. And Brendon Urie is a Mormon who is _not_ fucking Ryan Ross.

 

But then it’s real because Ryan is leaning over the bed, throwing up on the ground that Tyler fell on that one time he and Josh jokingly fought each other until he was pushed off the bed. Josh profusely apologized when Tyler clutched the back of his head that hit the floor. Tyler simply laughed until his stomach ached.

 

“Baby are you okay?!” Brendon is rubbing Ryan’s back, combing his hair behind his ears and sitting on the bed next to him, avoiding the vomit hitting the floor. _Baby._ This is too much. This is not a one night, drunken mistake. 

 

_Ryan is known to hog all the shit._

 

So when Tyler was sitting alone in his room, writing angry poetry about Josh and his friends never having time for him, Ryan was at the parties with _Brendon._ Seemed like he was not only hogging the drugs.

 

“-haven’t you ever heard of closing the god damn door!” Brendon shouts at Tyler suddenly, pulling him out of his thoughts. He is still rubbing Ryan’s back, and petting his hair as he heaves, no longer throwing up. So domestic. Tyler doesn’t know why a flash of green envy flashes in his eyes. Envy- _Ha!_ As if he wants to be taking care of Ryan’s drunken self. Unbelievable. 

 

“Are you going to help? ‘Cause close the fucking door and leave if you aren’t!” Brendon shouts back at Tyler. He had never seen Brendon _not_ charismatically goofy. Now he sounded like a protective lion, walking in circles around his mate making sure nothing could harm it. Domestic. Envy. Unbelievable. 

 

Tyler shuts the door and runs down the stairs.

 

“Aw why are you crying? Did a boy not want to kiss you?” Jon laughs. Tyler is glad he hasn’t seen him all night.

 

He flys open the door and races out of the house. Forget Mikey. Forget Ryan. They could find their way home.

 

Tyler was supposed to be staying the night at Mikey’s so he couldn’t go back to his house, but he couldn’t go to Mikey’s either. 

 

He walked slow and groggily, dragging his feet along the pavement of the street. It was abandoned at this time, no one driving down the suburban roads past 12am. 

 

He was feeling too many feelings. He wanted to rip his hair out and stomp on it, or better yet his heart for the way it was breaking on him. It was betraying the way his head was screaming _“I don’t care!”_

 

Before he knew where he was going he found himself in the park with tears down his cheeks. Feet and chest aching, and his head pounding from the tears. 

 

He wasn’t supposed to cry! He knew how things were between him and Josh. Or better yet, the lack of things between them. He just hadn’t realized that _love_ was a thing uttered between Josh and Debby. All this time he thought Debby was the Other Girl. Debby was the beard. Debby didn’t matter. 

 

Tyler was the other boy.

Tyler didn’t matter.

 

The truth was punching him in the face and the flowers in his lungs were welting as he stared down at the red roses that lined the brick sidewalk.

 

They were beginning to die as summer faded and fall approached. He grabbed the flower, wanting to pull it from the hedge and quickly dropped it when his hand screamed in protest.

 

He looked down at his bloody fingers and frowned.

 

He touched the untouchable and now he was hurt. How typical.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> GAHHHH poor Ty :'( and lmao i know you were all expecting that Ryden, I couldn't help myself ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯ TELL ME WHAT YOU GUYS THOUGHT I LOVE TALKING TO YOU ALL SO MUCH. Also, i'm thinking of going back to my roots and updating Troubled Minds next. You should read it if you haven't yet (shameless self promo? I think YES)


	5. Oh, Don't You Put Me On The Back Burner

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So you thought you’d seen the last of me? Well honey, you got a big storm coming cause I am BACK BACK BACK AGAIN. Oof, soooo sorry for that unplanned hiatus. Summer bummer, new problems, new depression, whatevez. But just like TRENCH I am here and better then ever. 
> 
> Song of the Chapter - [Death Of An Interior Decorator by Death Cab For Cutie](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=GKjGHlW2ydk)  
>  _"Can you tell me why you have been so sad?"_

Josh wakes up with a splintering headache and a hard on. He shifts to find empty sheets and pouts when there is no ass to rub up against. 

 

He opens his eyes and looks around the room that is decorated in posters of 5 Seconds of Summer and Shawn Mendes and groans, not remembering how he ended up in his little sister’s room. 

 

Josh takes a shower and jerks off, letting the warm water soothe aching joints that protest despite his young age. 

 

He changes into sweat pants and a old NASA shirt and catches a glimpse of a note sitting on his dresser.

 

_Thnx again 4 letting us use ur bed. U might wanna wash the sheets ;) xoxo_

_~bden_

 

Josh cursed Brendon and his gross secret relationship with Ryan Ross. He still couldn’t believe it was a thing.

 

He still remembered the night perfectly when Brendon told him he might’ve been fucking around with a guy _‘but just cause all the girls left are boring’._ Josh didn’t really know what to say so he just laughed and said ‘ _that’s pretty fucking gay’,_ even though that little part in him just wanted to open up. To yell, _“really? How is it, cause I really think I wanna fuck guys too.”_ 2 months later and he _was_. And along with Tyler pliant and willing, came Brendon crying on his shoulder saying that it wasn’t just fucking anymore. That he had feelings, and that they wouldn’t go away. That he didn’t like girls anymore, and that he thought he loved this boy. That he was letting the boy fuck _him_. That he _liked_ it. That he was gay.

 

_“Shit, man.” Josh breathed out._

 

_“I’m a fucking fag, man.” Brendon was crying. But the ugly kind with snot running down his face and red blotches on his cheeks._

 

_“It’s alright man.” Josh tried to comfort, but his heart was pounding out of his chest, the words were trying to come up but acid and venom were burning it back down._

 

_“No dude, my parents- oh fuck my parents,” Josh was startled when Brendon hit his own head against Josh’s beige wall. “Shit. They are going to disown me. They are going to throw me out.” He was banging his head, beginning to crack and indent the dry wall._

 

_“Dude, stop.” Josh grabbed his forehead, stopping it from hitting the wall, but he continued the motion, hitting his head against the hard surface with Josh’s hand breaking the impact._

 

_He seemed to be in a trance and Josh was beginning to grow worried. “They won’t find out.” He grabbed him by his shoulders and shook him a bit, pulling him away from the wall. “You’re seeing a girl- a shy girl who doesn’t want to be known to date a football player. I’ll cover for you bro. You’ve got nothing to worry about.”_

 

_Brendon stops his movement and looks at him with his large, chocolate eyes and Josh felt slightly better to see life in them again. “You will do that for me, man?”_

 

_“Of course.” Josh confirmed with a nod._

 

_“Thank you.” Brendon leaned in and pulled Josh into a hug, “I think I really like this guy. Like, love.”_

 

_“Good for you man. I’m happy.” Josh feels his confessions bubbling up. He’s going to say it._

 

_He’s going to._

 

_“I’m-“_

 

_“I’m so glad you are with Debby man. You deserve her. You deserve all the sexiest women who treat you like a king, cause that’s what you are.” Brendon keeps his grip on him, tight in a hug._

 

_Josh smiles, but he feels the words drop through the floor, buried 6 feet deep. It had felt so good with Tyler, like the smoke had cleared, but this had just made things so much more difficult and unclear. Like the way he didn’t want to look at Debby the way he looked at Tyler. Or the way his porn file on his computer had recently been taken over by small, brunette boys with wide hips and tiny wrists jerking off. The way it was getting harder and harder to put on this face and hold hands with Debby’s small, soft hands when all he wanted was Tyler’s slightly calloused ones._

 

_He closed his eyes and focused on Brendon’s breathing as it began to even out._

 

Josh sighed and walked downstairs, frowning at the various cups that lined the halls and living room. It was going to take a long time to clean. There was a neon blue sticky note on the fridge and he looked at it with a frown. 

 

_Last night was fun ;)_

_Had to leave before mom woke up... call me! Xoxox_

_Love you!!! <3_

_-deb_

 

Josh sighed and pulled off the note, tossing it in the recycle bin.

 

The house was eerily quiet as he grabbed a trash bag and began picking up the empty red cups spread around the house.

 

He tried not to think about how him and Debby were apparently at the point of saying ‘I love yous’.

~ - ~ - ~ - 

 

_“Hey this is Tyler, leave a message after the-“_ **_beep_ **

 

Josh frowned and quickly hung up the phone. Tyler always answered and he couldn’t see why the boy wouldn’t now. 

 

He was supposed to fawn over Josh- and he did, so at this point he wasn’t comprehending why Tyler wasn’t throwing himself at Josh on his knees. 

 

Whatever, he was probably over thinking it. 

 

Josh scrolled through his full phone and selected the contact that said a simple ‘ _deb’_ and hit the call button. 

 

He was horny. 

 

He tried to push back the feeling of frustration and slight discomfort at having to resort to the female anatomy. 

 

He was too hung up on having a tight ass to fuck he supposed, that Debby was set on plan b. 

 

Pussy was still great. 

 

Definitely. 

 

~ - ~ - ~ - 

 

It was Monday and Tyler was dreading school. He practically swore himself as a hermit over the weekend.

 

Closed blinds, empty plates and cups littering his floor and a dark blanket over his head- the whole nine yards really. But now here he was, facing the sunlight as it burned his unadjusted eyes. 

 

The school was large and looming, looking daunting from his spot in front of the entrance.

 

He had ignored his phone and he suspected his friends were beginning to grow nervous. Maybe even Josh. Not that they were friends.

 

He walked into the school and headed to his locker, frowning when he saw a pissed off looking Ryan standing next to it.

 

“What the fuck.” He spat when Tyler approached, arms crossed and eyeliner drawn thick.

 

“Hey.” Tyler sighed, pushing him over out of the way of his locker. He tried not to imagine Brendon Urie fucking his best friend but it was proven fruitless.

 

“What is your problem? I tried to get a hold of you all weekend! Me and Mikey were worried, you asshole. You didn’t even show up to his place after the party. You just fucking disappeared.” 

 

“I really don’t want to talk about this right now, Ryan.” Tyler sighed as he opened his lock.

 

Ryan got close, leaning in, “Is this about me and Brendon?” He whispered, looking around the hall to make sure nobody was close by.

 

Tyler grabbed his books before slamming his locker, “ _no,_ it is not about me walking in on a fuck fest. Jesus Christ, please do me the favour and hand me some bleach to rub in my eyes.”

 

Ryan snorted, “fuck off, I’m sure it was hella hot and you holed yourself up in your room to jerk off.” 

 

“Yeah, definitely. I love to picture you getting fucked. Something which would be even hotter though, is you getting fucked by a rake. Or maybe a chainsaw.” Tyler said with faux seriousness.

 

“Oo, kinky.” Ryan smirked as Tyler rolled his eyes. “Seriously though, what’s your problem? Why did you run off?” 

 

“I said I didn’t wanna talk about it right now.” The shorter boy sighed, while fiddling with his text book.

 

“Fine, I’ll come over tonight so you can talk about it.” 

 

“Ry-!” Tyler started but frowned when Ryan walked away without letting him protest.

 

~ - ~ - ~ - 

 

Tyler practically ran out of class at the bell, so relieved that the day was over. 

 

Josh had been sending him wary looks throughout the day and he was growing anxious over the idea of him coming up to talk to him.

 

He knew it wouldn’t happen with others around, but it was still something concerning to think about with him looking all bits of confused, sad, and angry all in one.

 

He grabbed his backpack and raised his eyebrows when he saw Mikey standing at Pete Wentz’ locker, seemingly laughing at something the short teen said. 

 

He raced out of the school, careful to avoid Josh as he walked home.

 

~ - ~ - ~ - 

 

It was around 4 when Ryan came knocking on Tyler’s door. 

 

“Why are you here.” Tyler stared at Ryan, eyeliner recently washed off leaving his eyes slightly red.

 

“I told you I was coming over to talk to you about why you went all emo.” Ryan rolled his eyes and pushed inside, Tyler closing the door behind him with a humpf.

 

“Are you really talking to _me_ about being emo?” Tyler asked incredulously looking Ryan up an down, “pot, meet kettle.”

 

“I’m not emo, I’m _edgy_ and _stylish_.”

 

“And pretentious.” Tyler mumbled, but Ryan wasn’t listening. The taller boy began walking to the glass patio door, sliding it open and walking to the backyard. Tyler followed him with a groan, dropping to the dry grass.

 

“So what’s got your panties in a bunch?” Ryan sits next to him, crossing long legs Indian style.

 

Tyler considered spilling everything about Josh. He really was dying to tell someone. To talk about how every time he was around him his heart felt like it was going to leap out his chest and all his inner organs felt like they were going to drop out his butt. How it felt like a roller coaster that he couldn’t get off no matter how hard he tried.

 

How the man he _loved_ was in love with a _girl._

 

“I don’t know. I guess I just felt left out. With you and Brendon and then Mikey having the time of his life with Pete or whatever the fuck.” 

 

“Aw, is Tyler jealous? Don’t worry you will always be my number one.” He put on an over exaggerated pout. 

 

“Fuck off,” he scoffed but felt a smile tug at his lips. It felt so good to be loved by someone unconditionally, even after being a complete ass.

 

“So you ignored me and Mikey all weekend cause you were in longing for a boy?” 

 

Tyler shrugged, looking at the ground.

 

“Awwwww Tyler, I’m sure many boys would love to fuck your virgin ass.” 

 

Tyler felt his face flush. Oh yeah, his friends still thought he was a fucking virgin. He really wished he could talk about these things teenagers usually did and save himself the embarrassment.

 

“So, what does Mikey think about this whole Brendon situation?” Tyler turned the conversation to Ryan knowing he could talk about himself for hours.

 

“Shut up, you know he doesn’t know. You wouldn’t have known if you hadn’t walked in and interrupted us- super rude by the way.” 

 

“You aren’t gonna tell Mikey?” Tyler asked, confused. He didn’t understand why Ryan would want to keep this a secret between their tight knit friend group. 

 

“Nah,” Ryan responded in his monotone as he picked at the slowly dying grass.

 

“Why not?” Tyler wondered out loud. He would _love_ to tell his friends about Josh, however, it was at the point he couldn’t bring it up out of nowhere. If one of the 2 found out though, he would definitely jump at the chance to tell the other.

 

“Brendon doesn’t want anyone to know- you saw how he acted when you walked in. And honestly? I don’t want people to know either.” Ryan announced, shifting his weight from side to side, trying to get comfortable on the hard ground.

 

Tyler sputtered, “Why not?!” He couldn’t comprehend why Ryan wanted to keep it private. It didn’t make any sense. His heart ached with the possibilities of him and Josh going public. Holding hands in the park in broad daylight, sitting in Dairy Queen unafraid of someone to see them. Now _that_ was a dream he indulged himself in way too often to count.

 

Ryan laughed, “Why would I want to be known to date a jock? They are fucking assholes. I mean Brendon isn’t one, but the association is still there. This isn’t a movie, Tyler. In high school, me and Brendon just aren’t meant to be together. Better to just wait for college. It’s only a year away.” Ryan rolled his eyes.

 

“Oh,” Tyler felt his heart clench at the lack of optimism. So were him and Josh doomed? “So you are willing to wait for college? For Brendon?” Tyler asked quietly.

 

Ryan shrugged, “I don’t know, maybe. I like him, he likes me. Is there that much more to it? We will see where the year takes us.” 

 

Tyler nodded. He only wished it was that easy to him.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I love Ryan so much ;( So I am really working on my updating schedule so if I'm taking forever please shout at me on here. I'm finishing this fic if it's the last thing I do, goddamnit! Also I hope this chapter was alright, I'm just getting back into writing so i wouldn't be surprised if this sucks ass HAHAH. Plz leave me comments about anything to warm my cold heart ;D I LOVE YOU ALL IF YOU ARE STILL HERE HEHE


	6. Your Body Is Shaking (and It's Clear)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> oof is this even me?! Posting twice in one week?!? WHAT?!? This one is a lil short, but it was necessary. Enjoy! ;)
> 
> Song of the Chapter - [Give Me Something by Seafret](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3ou8PXfDhFI)
> 
>  
> 
> _"What you say tells me nothing_  
>  What's the truth? Give me something"

Skin slapping skin.

Biting, sucking, fucking.

Jutting hipbones and pervading bruises.

Lust and sodomy-the perfect sin cocktail to indulge in.

 

“Fuck.” Josh pants into Tyler’s ear as he leaves bruises the size of little finger prints on Tyler’s hips. Afterwards when Josh kicks him out and he sees him at school-ignoring he exists-Tyler will rub his fingers over the marks. Make sure they are there. Make sure he isn’t imagining things. That him and Josh actually have something. Because other then those 10 tiny bruises, he has no proof of anything other then long, unreciprocated glances in the hall.

 

“Touch me,” Tyler moans and Josh grunts back, his hands are already on him, he’s technically touching him but not in the way Tyler wants. He doesn’t know how to say that though.

 

Tyler bucks his hips upwards towards Josh when a hard thrust hits in just the right place to have Tyler’s back arching. He rubs his hands everywhere he can; across Josh’s chest, down his back, gripping his ass, to the backs of his thighs. Taking in smooth, freckled skin that looks like galaxies on a milky white canvas. One day he wants to take a pen and connect the dots of his freckles. See what it makes, if there is a hidden message there saying that he felt _something._ If it says something about Debby maybe he will know that he doesn’t have a chance. That he should stop now before he falls too deep. 

 

“Ty,” Josh pants into the smaller boy’s ear, breath hot and wet on his neck that mixes oh so nice with the sweat that is cooling down his skin despite the feeling of being on fire. 

 

“So good, you’re so beautiful.” They weren’t very verbal in bed, and it was kind of sad that Tyler felt his heart beat faster at an in-the-moment compliment. He shouldn’t be blushing. He is too far past the shy virgin phase- he has a dick in his ass currently so he shouldn’t be acting coy; turning 3 shades darker when Josh calls him beautiful, but he is.

 

“Josh, _touch me_.” He has already said it, but Tyler feels like he should repeat it, that maybe Josh will understand if he adds more emphasis. Josh doesn’t take his bruising hands off his hips.

 

Tyler is getting tired. He is longing for soft kisses that don’t sting and touches that don’t bruise. He wants warm eyes, not the dark ones that stare down at him, squinting so sweat doesn’t drop in them. He is trying so hard not to be ungrateful and greedy but he _wants_ so much. He wants what they had next to that lake that warm September night. He is hungry, and Josh is leaving him starving.

 

Tyler squeezes his hand in between their sweating bodies, snaking his hand around his length and fisting himself, quick and hard, synchronizing Josh’s thrusts. He drops his other hand down and finds where Josh is entering him, feels the stretch and the quick movements. Tyler makes a sort of mew as he keeps his hand there, enjoying the thought of the two being connected. 

 

Tyler’s veins are swelling and his head is growing foggy as his hand continues jerking himself off. Josh’s abs are pressed against his leaking head and it sends little jolts of electricity through him. 

 

“I’m close,” Josh pants into his neck and Tyler nods, agreeing. Josh takes one hand off his hip and grabs Tyler’s hand that is placed at his entrance, feeling Josh’s length as it thrusts in. He intertwines their fingers as he pulls it to his chapped lips, kissing Tyler’s knuckles lightly while staring into his eyes like he actually _sees_ him.

 

Tyler comes.

 

 _          _         _

 

“You know I hate you right?” Tyler asks as he lays under Josh’s covers, sweaty and spent. He watches Josh tug off his condom, tying the end and tossing it in his garbage.

 

“No you don’t,” he laughs and Tyler frowns. Josh grabs a tissue from his bed side table and wipes up the come on Tyler’s stomach before wiping his own abs. Tyler knows that Josh is right. No matter how hard he tries, he doesn’t think it’s _possible_ to hate Josh. 

 

That probably explains why he is here. He turns his head and looks out Josh’s window, feeling his entire back burn with nerves shocking all down his spine as Josh spoons him from behind, wrapping him in warmth. Tyler feels himself smile as he looks out at the dying tree next to Josh’s window. It’s October now. The month of death and Tyler couldn’t help but feel like that statement was wrong because right here? Right here in Josh’s arms he felt so alive. 

 

He really _was_ doing well. 23 days. 23 days were spent Josh-less and by the end of it his skin was itching and his eyes were growing so tired of seeing Josh and not being able to touch. 

 

Tyler turns around in Josh’s arms, focusing on the purple mark on his neck feeling his stomach churn when he knows it wasn’t left by him. Josh nuzzles into his hair and the smaller boy has to really resist from his face being pressed against the hickey. He feels wrong being near it, let alone resting his face against it.

 

Josh notices his discomfort and squints, “what’s wrong, babe?” 

 

Tyler tries to force his heart down from his throat, “do you love Debby?” 

 

Josh is silent and rubs his thumb along Tyler’s protruding hip bone, “no.” He tells him sounding confident but there is a tiny shake behind his words. And Tyler wants to yell, and push him off, because either Josh is lying to him or is lying to Debby and both make him a shitty person. He secretly hopes the profession of love he eavesdropped in on at Josh’s party were simply drunken nothings, but it still scares him to think of.

 

“Why are you still with Debby if you don’t love her?” Tyler finds himself asking. He needs to know.

 

“It makes things easy, Tyler.” He sighs, “You know that I wouldn’t be able to be doing this with you if I was single.” 

 

Tyler furrows his brows, “why’s that?” 

 

“Ty, baby, it would seem suspicious.”

 

“Josh, you do realize that you completely ignore me at school. What about that would make people suspect something.” 

 

Josh is silent.

 

“You are paranoid for reasons I don’t even know. Don’t worry, it seems like I’ll always be your dirty secret.” 

 

Josh huffs, “don’t be like that.”

 

“Be like what? Upset that it seems like you are using me? Upset that you have a girlfriend that you show off all day at school while ignoring me? I’m sorry I’m a normal person with _feelings_ , Josh.”

 

 _“_ I’m not using you, Tyler. I’m sorry if it seems that way.” He mumbles, “I really like you.”

 

“Well then why do I feel like I’m only a body around you, Josh!” His voice begins to raise and the bigger boy’s hand is still frozen on the other’s hip. 

 

“I- I don’t mean for you to feel this way. I don’t know what you want me to say.” 

 

“I want you to say I mean something to you, Josh! I’m sick of being the other boy!” Tyler pulls Josh’s hand off him, scooting back a bit so their bodies aren’t touching.

 

“You mean a lot to me Tyler, okay? I feel like my body is on fire and my lungs are filled with ice water. Sometimes I look at you and feel like you hold the world in your fucking hand, and I’m just spinning in your palm. Do you know how fucking frustrating this is?!” Josh shouts and Tyler stills, looking over at Josh with large eyes.

 

“I- I didn’t know you felt that way.” 

 

“Well I do.” Josh sort of ‘humphs’, similar to a child who didn’t get his way.

 

Tyler turns to look back out at the slowly setting sun shinning through the dying tree branches.

 

“I don’t understand why you are still seeing Debby.” Tyler mumbles, backing up so he is aligned with Josh’s stomach.

 

Josh is silent once again and Tyler sighs.

 

“I really wish I could do it Tyler, I do.”

 

“Then why don’t you?” He keeps his gaze out the window, watching 2 squirrels fight over a single acorn and he can’t help to feel like it’s him and an unknowing Debby fighting over Josh’s affection.

 

“Tyler, I can’t- I can’t be with you.”

 

Tyler feels his heart stop and he feels like he might cry.

 

“I’m- I’m not gay.” 

 

And now he is crying.

 

“Josh, what is this to you?” 

 

“It’s- I don’t know. All I know is that I really like you, Tyler.” 

 

“I love you.” Tyler cry’s into the openness of Josh’s room, wanting to be wrapped in Josh’s arms, but scared of the rejection and seeing the shock on his face, he just keeps staring out the window.

 

He feels Josh stiffen behind him and the slight hitch of breath. He closes his eyes, waiting to be kicked out of the bed. 

 

It doesn’t come.

 

Tyler feels Josh wrap his large arms around him, and melts into it, ignoring the fact that a pretty, petite brunette had probably been in them hours before.

 

The two lay in comfortable silence and Tyler pretends not to hear his tiny sobs mixed with Josh’s manlier sniffles and ignores the wetness on the back of his neck.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ughhjaja I love this chapter so much. Hopefully I keep up this posting schedule but I doubt it hahaha. I'm trying for 1 chapter a week at this point :) If you comment a few days after the upload date, I’ll tell you how far into the next chapter I am, so if you ever wanna know, just write a comment ;) oof, in other words I just started THROAM for the 4th time last night. While you wait on the next chapter you should definitely join me in reading the Ryden Bible ;)


	7. There Ain't No Motive to This Crime

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Oof sorry for this one. ALSO OMG IM SEEING TWENTY ONE PILOTS TOMORROW AND I HAVE REALLY GOOD SEATS. It honestly still hasn't hit me that i will be seeing them in person. ahhhhhhhhh.
> 
> TW- Hetero sex (ew ik I'm sorry), Violence, homophobia
> 
> Song of The Chapter - [The Gold by Manchester Orchestra](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qaeWss85_vg)
> 
>  
> 
> _"I don't wanna bark here anymore_  
>  Wasn't really dangerous for us  
> We just catch you coughing  
> What the hell are we gonna do?  
> I don't wanna be here anymore  
> It all tastes like poison" __

“Are we too old to go trick or treating?” Tyler sighs to the ceiling before looking at Ryan who sits bored, painting his nails black while Mikey lays on the bed half asleep.

 

“Yes.” Ryan rolls his eyes, capping the nail polish and placing it back into Tyler’s drawer. 9 months ago, Tyler would have made him hide it out of fear of his mother finding the effeminate product. Now, he couldn’t find it in himself to care. 

 

“Gerard still goes out and he’s like 19.” Mikey puts out, eyes closed and arm thrown over his face to block out the light.

 

“Okay, well it’s Gerard. People probably think he is special.” Ryan rolls his eyes and Mikey scoffs, unsure if he should be offended for his brother’s sake.

 

“I just wanna do something for Halloween. It seems like every year you guys are busy doing random shit. We should have a movie night,” Tyler offers, ignoring the grunts from the other 2 boys, “it will be fun! Popcorn, cheesy 80’s flicks, all with each other! It could be some great bonding time!”

 

Ryan scoffs, “since when have you become every basic white girl at our school that I hate.” 

 

“Since you guys have been too busy for me the last month!” Tyler complains.

 

They both sit silent. 

 

“I’m down.” Mikey mutters, voice sounding raspy with approaching sleep.

 

“I was invited to a party.” Ryan states, blowing on his wet, stubby nails.

 

“Don’t you get enough ass? You can’t spend one night with us?”

 

Ryan gives Tyler a pointed look, motioning his eyes from Mikey to Tyler as if trying to express his inner monologue of ‘don’t tell Mikey you asshole’. Tyler just rolls his eyes and doesn’t break his stare.

 

“Fine!” Ryan flings his arms in the air before jumping on the bed single bed, on top of Tyler, “you fuckin owe me one.”

 

“Get your skinny ass off me. Your bones are digging into me.” Tyler pushes the tall boy off the bed, leaving him tumbling to the floor.

 

“Ow, fuck you.” Ryan grunts, wiping his bangs out of his eyes before cursing, “fuck, my nails are messed up now!”

 

Tyler’s laugh and Mikey’s snores are the only response.

 

~ - ~ - ~ -

 

As the sun fell and night broke, Mikey and Ryan returned to their own respective homes. Ryan’s being a quaint 1 story with 2 bedrooms, it was only him and his dad- more wasn’t necessary- and Mikey to his upper class suburban dream. 

 

Tyler’s home was very average in size and design, 4 (small) bedrooms on the top floor and a half finished basement were additions to the plain kitchen and living room on the main floor. When said, it seemed big and to Ryan it felt spacious and homey and warm, but to Tyler it felt like an empty cage. Like he’s a hamster who has lived past his expectancy and is owned by a teenager who’s lost interest. 

 

He is simply a broken toy in this dollhouse. 

 

When he came out, his parents shunned him of their brief affections, and the tiny taste of praise he got rarely went as extinct as his basketball scholarship. 

 

Sure, that was hard but it was something he was semi used to and expecting. What really stung was the way his siblings acted like robots controlled by his parents.

 

Was flipping a switch all it took to make them forgo his morning kisses and nightly hugs? Was it that easy for them to stop crawling at his feet and smile at him with adoring faces as he played the piano and sang for them? 

 

Sure coming out of the dusty closet was necessary, but nobody said that it didn’t come with a price. 

 

~ - ~ - ~ -

 

Some say love comes with a price, and Josh is quite certain _this_ is the price he must pay to have a pretty girl hanging off his arm.

 

His jaw aches and his scalp hurts from Debby’s long claws tugging and scratching at his head. His face feels slimy and unpleasant and he just wants to sit up, god dammit. 

 

He didn’t understand why this was bringing him close to sickness.

 

He loved pussy. Hell, he _loves_ pussy. No past tense on that.

 

But something in the way her shrill moans mix with her feminine smell of rose and lilac is turning him off. He is trying to preoccupy her with his mouth, as to not look _down there_. Because well, there isn’t really much to see going on. 

 

Okay, there is _nothing_ to see. 

 

He is completely flaccid and showing no signs of getting hard anytime soon. He wants to slap his dick for failing him in this time of need because he can tell Debby is getting impatient with him. They haven’t fucked in a few weeks and that seems like a lifetime to 2 sexually active teenagers.

 

Well it’s been a few weeks for Debby he should correct because well, Tyler is good for something and that includes getting his fair share of meeting his quota of weekly sex. Debby on the other hand does not. This is assuming that Debby is being loyal however. She does seem like the type that could stray.

 

Then Josh smacks himself metaphorically, of course she is loyal. She loves him and has said so many times as of late. And who _would_ cheat on _Josh._ It’s practically a accomplishment to be dating him that no one would be stupid enough to ruin that chance. Debby is really a lucky girl. 

 

Josh is lucky too. Hell, he’s got what every guy his age (well besides Tyler) is wanting right now; a beautiful girl with beautiful curves and a beautiful pussy right in front of him. Holy fuck, why is his dick still not hard? 

 

Josh continues eating her out, ignoring the sharp tugs at his boyish curls and her squeaky moans resembling a cat getting ravished with love. He reaches a hand down and tries to pump his dick to at least be semi hard. Debby is growing impatient with his mouth and he is trying so hard to well, _get_ hard. But something about his hand isn’t right and something about Debby is too soft. 

 

“Okay, I’m ready. Please just-“ Debby is cut off by Josh’s lips on hers. _Please just stop talking._ He looks down at her and takes in her dark, dark eyes. They are normally lighter but her pupils have expanded to the size of black craters. They sort of resemble someone and Josh feels himself harden in the slightest. _Finally_. Her nose is a button shape and it is typically adorable but something about it just isn’t right when her nostrils are flaring and her plump, plump Hollywood lips are open with quickened breathing.

 

“Turn around,” Josh whispers into her neck, feeling the goosebumps rise on her skin. She quickly complies and Josh plays with her ass cheeks. They are soft and round as it curves drastically in at her waist. It seems odd to hold something so petite, something that feels like it could break. He looks away from her back and waist and down to her butt again. He always was more of an ass guy. Boobs hardly mattered, but when picking a girl he supposed the bigger the better just to make other guys jealous.

 

He finally feels his dick grow to probably the hardest it will get tonight and he reaches down instinctively, spreading her pale cheeks and placing a single finger at a entrance.

 

She automatically jerks up, alarmed.

 

“What the hell are you doing?” Debby looks over her shoulder at Josh kneeled between her spread legs, finger hovering over her asshole.

 

“Don’t you ever wonder what it feels like?” Josh doesn’t have to wonder because he _knows_. God, he knows but Debby doesn’t and whoever isn’t doing anal in this day and age is really missing out. Who _isn’t_ doing it, is really is a bigger question then who is.

 

“No, not really. I have a vagina for a reason Josh.” 

 

Josh cringes without realizing it. He feels his dick slowly soften and _no_ , this can’t happen. “Please _.”_ He uses his eyes that nobody can deny, neither girl nor guy. 

 

He sees consideration cross Debby’s face and he internally fist pumps because, shit, that was easy. Easier then he thought it would be.

 

“Fine,” she grumbles and turns back around and yes! This is it. He doesn’t need Tyler anymore because he can get everything he needs here, in this goddess of a creature, soft curves and all. 

 

He lubes up his finger and jumps right in, working her open and trying to ignore how unexciting this is right now. Usually he feels right on top of the world about now when he is diving deep into Tyler. From his heart pumping in adrenaline to his dick throbbing in excitement to _be in there_.

 

Right now, this kind of feels anticlimactic even though they aren’t even at the climax.

 

He works in a few more fingers, and Debby is oddly quiet and still and Josh doesn’t know wether he should be thankful that she isn’t speaking and ruining this built up illusion or if he should be put off she isn’t immensely enjoying this. Josh doesn’t do this with everyone. She should be thankful. 

 

Josh shoved himself in after slipping on a condom and closes his eyes at the semi familiar feeling. Sure the feelings are all there but something about it can’t even be compared to fucking a guy. 

 

He goes fast and hard and her ass keeps on cushioning his thrusts and it isn’t bringing the sounds and sensations he’s looking for; bones hitting bones, loud noises that don’t sound simply like smacking a person in the face. He likes that distinct sound of knowing bones are close to the surface, that bruises and welts will be left, not simply a red ass for a half an hour. 

 

Debby starts moaning when she rubs her clit and Josh should feel bad about not doing it himself but his arm just doesn’t seem to be able to stray down into her folds of warm wet heat.

 

She comes and Josh comes and he lays back on his bed, pulling out and looking over at a red faced girl with chubby cheeks and long long hair. Nothing chiseled about her face and body. Everything here is soft. 

 

“How was that?” She asks, curious.

 

“Good. You’re great.” Josh nods, leaning over to kiss her

 

He’s lying.

 

~ - ~ - ~ -

 

It’s the day before Halloween and everyone seems to be buzzing in the excitement of it. It’s supposed to be an excuse for kids to eat candy, but for teenagers it’s an excuse to drink and party and be reckless so that has everyone in the spirit. 

 

It’s just after English and Tyler is standing by his locker putting his books away and grabbing a shiny red apple from his bag for lunch when someone is rammed into his back.

 

“Ow what the fuck,” Tyler frowns and turns around but just looks confused when Josh is staring back at him, looking around the halls seemingly worried.

 

“Hey.”

 

“Hey?” Tyler questions, grabbing a book from his locker with his spare hand.

 

“Look, I’ve been trying to get ahold of you all day.”

 

“Oh. I haven’t been on my phone. What’s up?” Tyler is confused and Josh looks exasperated.

 

“Well, I was going to suggest we find a closet or something to talk in,” he says with a cautious smirk, “but it seems like you are busy.” He looks down at Tyler’s apple and copy of The Catcher in The Rye.

 

“You know I am horribly swamped catching up with my good friend Holden.” Tyler smiles, he likes when Josh jokes around and shit, he likes when Josh talks to him so casually in the hall like this. It seems sweet and cliche and he wants to drop his book and hold the other boy’s bulky, calloused palm. 

 

“Aw, you’ll have to give me this guy’s number so I know my competi-“

 

“Dun!” Jon seemingly pops out of nowhere with his messy hair and wide stature, “don’t you have Debby? Do you really have to resort to asking boys to suck you off? Didn’t know she was so much of a prude.” 

 

Josh’s playful banter is gone in a blink and Tyler’s eyes widen when Josh is pushing him, arm hitting the lockers with a bang. It hurts but something in his lungs is more painful like he can’t breathe. 

 

“Remember what I said- don’t check me out again fag.” Josh spits venomously at Tyler and he feels himself shrivel up before his entire body is filled with pure rage.

 

Jon laughs and mutters ‘pathetic’ while they both begin walking away together, but oh no. Josh does not get to say that.

 

“What the fuck did you say to me?!” Tyler shoves Josh’s back, making him stumble forward a bit. He turns around with slightly scared eyes and Tyler is fuming. He doesn’t get to look at him with those eyes. “What the fuck did you call me?!” He repeats a second time but louder and people are starting to look and he doesn’t fucking care because Josh is out of line, and he is tired of being pushed around.

 

“A fag.” Josh spits. He looked like he was going to back down for a second but a equally fiery look is on his face as well. “It’s what you are, isn’t it?” 

 

Tyler’s heart possibly breaks and he is brought back flooded memories and he is drowning in them. Sitting on grass in the dark with a sore jaw and Josh’s liquor breath heavy in the air. He said the same thing then. Maybe that’s all Josh saw him as. A sad fag that needed pitying.

 

Tyler makes a possibly animalistic screech and launches at the bigger boy, tossing his book and apple on the ground before clawing at his shoulders and trying to kick him in the shin. Josh looks taken aback and confused. That’s right. He’s getting what he deserves. 

 

Jon is laughing hysterically and pulling a struggling Tyler away. 

 

Tyler’s eyes widened because holy shit Josh just got fucking punched in the face and his hands don’t even hurt and he thought he was being held back. 

 

Tyler is dropped and his vision is kind of blurry and there is a lot of screaming but then he looks over and sees Ryan, and he is delivering some pretty good punches on Josh and Tyler isn’t really comprehending what he is seeing or the shouts coming from Josh or Ryan’s mouth. 

 

Tyler blinks wildly trying to adjust his vision and he quickly jumps up when Jon is grabbing Ryan’s skinny wrists and holding him back and Tyler is mentally screaming, or maybe he is actually screaming and he just can’t tell because Ryan is so skinny and fragile from broken families and worn down fathers and he _can’t_ get hurt. 

 

Josh delivers a punch to Ryan’s carved face and Tyler doesn’t hear anything besides himself hyperventilating. He is watching this through a screen and he is sitting at home, eating his popcorn and cringing at how real this all looks. How that blood running down Josh’s face is some of the best special effects he’s seen and how the already blooming bruises on Ryan’s wrists are really accurate with the death grip Jon has on him. 

 

Then Tyler is shook into the real world because here is Brendon, pushing Josh into the lockers and teachers are pushing through and there are so many screams but it is still silent in the way all the onlookers are just observing the hollowed our circle a few of us stand in. 

 

Like a damaged circus playing for their enjoyment.

 

Brendon is screaming things like “What the fuck are you thinking? Do you know what your doing?” And I don’t think I’ve ever seen that tiny Mormon football player look so mad or scared before. Josh isn’t looking at Brendon next to him, but staring at Tyler with blatant fear before looking down to his fists and yeah, that’s blood alright and as much as Tyler feels like he can’t turn away from Josh- watching him is like a car wreck- he turns over to see Ryan close to blowing a gasket. He is being pulled by teachers but he is trying to rip away. Run to the man I love. Beat him to a pulp. Rip his heart out. He deserves it.

 

Tyler wonders if Ryan will let him examine the heart once it’s free. See if the smaller boy is actually resting somewhere in the bouncy vessel, if he’s missing or if he was never there to begin with. 

 

Tyler grabs hold of Ryan’s hand and helps the teacher pull him away, only looking briefly back at Brendon shouting at Josh, Jon laughing in the sidelines and Josh. God, Josh is just looking at Tyler close to tears, muttering a ‘I’m sorry’ as the shorter boy turns around and places his pounding head on Ryan’s shaking shoulder. 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> :,(((((( What do you guys think? And okay i think I'm gonna have an aneurysm cause tomorrow is the first time seeing the boys cause during ERS I was on vacation when they came to my closest venue. Are you guys going to any of the current dates? Also why do i feel bad for josh in this chapter? fucker has manipulated my head


	8. I’ve Been Trying Hard to Do What’s Right

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Woot woot! Here’s the next chapter :) I hope you like it! This one is an angsty boi though so i kinda doubt it. I hope you _appreciate _it is a better word AHAHHA.__
> 
>  
> 
> _Song of the Chapter -_  
>  [Me by The 1975](https://youtu.be/Hu0xlyLwK7Q)  
>  _I nearly killed somebody, don't you mind_  
>  _I gave you something you can never give back, don't you mind_  
>  _I love you, don’t you mind, don’t you mind_  
>  (Oof my favourite song and I listened to it on repeat while writing the last part. Prepare to sob)

“I mean... at least you are making the most of the situation.” Mikey reasons and Tyler feels sick to his stomach seeing the damage.

 

Ryan’s face is in all it’s glory until you look at his cheek jowl that is vandalized by a red mark that is slowly turning purple and his honey brown right eye is framed with black and blue already surrounding the skin. 

 

People are staring as the 3 boy’s walk into the school. Usually when somebody has the courage to fight _Josh Dun_ word spreads like wildfire. People stand assessing the damage because if _Josh Dun_ had a bruised up face, you wouldn’t believe what the other guy looked like. The idea was right in practice, but in reality Ryan looked less harmed then Josh in the end. 

 

Here Ryan stands with a red-brown leather jacket with a popped collar and an obnoxious Hawaiian shirt with the top 3 buttons undone and, shit, he is kind of killing it. This is the man that kind-of, sort-of took down Josh Dun from his pedestal and here he is on Halloween dressed as Tyler Durden from _Fight Club._ Talk about taking advantage of a situation.

 

People are laughing and nodding in approval at his wits. It’s not that they are siding with Ryan on the fight because nobody would be stupid enough to oppose Josh and join the minority, but they are still appreciating the man’s balls knowing that there is no way they themselves would fight one of the bigger athletes of the school. 

 

Mikey is smiling at the fact he is walking with such a legend, as if being in with Ryan, he will no longer be fucked with. It’s a joke. Sure, maybe people will nod their heads in solitude for the week but by next Monday people will forget and Ryan’s black eye will be gone and the pushing and shoving and harsh words will return.

 

All Tyler feels is sick when he looks at Ryan. Seeing the large bruises on a small face and just knowing who laid them on Ryan’s face. Knowing that this could have been him. He likes to believe if it was him in Ryan’s shoes, Josh would know not to punch but after seeing him attack Ryan as he watched, Tyler isn’t sure he would have been safe against Josh and his ego.

 

The 3 boy’s walk along through the halls to Ryan’s locker and he shoves his bags and books away, only looking up when whistles and laughs are sounded and reverberated through the hall. Tyler looks up and frowns at Josh holding Debby’s hand, looking at the floor in what appeared as shame. He had a split lip, black eye, and cut on his nose bridge and people seemed to find it entertaining that Ryan Ross, the residential fag, was the one who did it to him. 

 

Ryan smiled in what seemed joy as he took in Josh’s fucked up face (Tyler would be lying if he said it still wasn’t the most attractive face he’d ever seen though). The group walked past as if a solemn loss hung over them as they acknowledged Ryan and their loss at battle. Like all the soldiers who flew out to war and returned home losers. It was ridiculous to say the least about how upset they seemed over being knocked down a level due to being beat up by a twig. 

 

Josh looked back when the group walked past and his eyes caught Tyler’s. He looked pleading and sorry and desperately.

 

Tyler looked away.

 

~ - ~ - ~ -

 

By the end of the day, Tyler’s hands were smeared black from the paint on his face. He was dressed as a skeleton, but as the day wore on, he kept forgetting he was wearing face paint and continued rubbing his eyes. He probably looked scary with black smudged around his eyes and lips. He probably didn’t need the makeup, he felt dead without it too.

 

He was walking down the sidewalk, a few streets away from home and sighed as he kicked at the leaves. They crunches under his feet and he liked to imagine them as Josh’s fingers crunching underneath him. Fuck him and his mind games. Fuck him and his girlfriend. Fuck him and his shame.

 

Tyler found himself stomping on the sidewalk, probably looking like an idiot as he jumped on the dead leaves.

 

“Are you imagining that as my face?” A voice questions from beside him and Tyler looks up, startled. Josh is sitting in his beat up red truck smoking a cigarette. Tyler cursed himself when he instantly thinks of how handsome and chiseled he looks with his cut lip.

 

“Yeah, I am actually.” Tyler says, stomping on a pile of leaves for emphasis.

 

“Ouch, I guess I deserve it.” Josh smiles, but something behind it seems desperate and scared.

 

Tyler squints his eyes, “where’s Debby?” 

 

“Doesn’t matter. I don’t care.” Josh shouts out after Tyler, pressing the gas and trailing next to him as the smaller boy begins walking again.

 

“Why are you here? Are you sure you really wanna risk being seen talking to me?” Tyler stares straight ahead, not looking at Josh as he flicks his cigarette butt out the window and lights a new one.

 

“Tyler, get in the car. We have to talk about this.”

 

“Talk about what? How you beat up my friend? How you shoved me into the lockers? How you insinuated I’m just a pathetic fag that trails you like a puppy?” Tyler spits, finally looking at Josh with what could only be described as bitter hatred.

 

“It’s not like tha-“

 

“Really then what is it like, Josh?!” Tyler shouts, his feet stopping as he wipes at his sticky makeup, just wanting to wash it off. Josh is dressed as a _football player_ for Halloween and Tyler is glad it is something so pathetic, giving him another point to add to the list of _why Josh is stupid._ It was almost a full page and yet Tyler still found himself running back to him at any chance. 

 

“Tyler, get in.” Josh tried to command in his stern voice but Tyler just turned and continued walking to his path home. “Tyler, I’m serious.

 

“What would Jon say about this Josh? You seem to care so much about his opinions.” Tyler spits with venom but he can feel his heart begin pumping. God he hates being mad at Josh.

 

“Shut the fuck up, Tyler. I don’t give a fuck about Jon. He can choke on a dick for all I care. I’m trying to apologize for being an asshole so get your fucking ass in the truck right now.” Josh stops the truck and stares Tyler down, unmoving.

 

Tyler feels his guts twist, knowing he wouldn’t ever be able to be his own man around Josh. He really needed to work on that. 

 

Next year was still a long ways away, and yet he already has his New Years Resolution: Stand his ground for once. Be a man and do what is right for himself. 

 

Tyler fingers the handle and pulls it open, frowning at Josh as he slams the door shut and looks out the window.

 

They drive in silence for a little while, just listening to the radio as Sum 41 plays at a low volume, allowing a silence to permeate through the air. It’s tense and uncomfortable knowing confrontation is approaching. The two could sit in silence for hours, or well, however long they stayed together before Josh told Tyler he better leave. They weren’t much for talking, so silence really was a normal thing for them. 

 

“Ty,” Josh breaks the quiet with a sigh, “I’m sorry okay? I don’t know what else I can do to make it up to you.” 

 

“Do you know how fucking scary that was? To see you flip like a switch? You pushed me hard into the lockers for no reason and insulted me. You knew I couldn’t do anything about it and you used that against me. You would have punched me, i’m sure, if Ryan hadn’t jumped in.” 

 

Josh looks undeniably guilty as he stares down at his steering wheel, avoiding eye contact, “I’m sorry, okay? I made a mistake. And I would not have punched you, Tyler! How could you say that?”

 

“Well you punched my best friend, Josh. And I mean,” he let’s out a delirious laugh, “Us fags, we’re all one in the same, huh? That’s your mentality right?” 

 

“I said I was sorry! What else do you want me to say, Tyler?!” 

 

“Sorry isn’t good enough!”the boy shouted, “Sometimes, you need to learn that you can’t just give a dazzling smile and all will go right in the world. You fucked up. You almost beat me up. You _did_ beat up my friend.”

 

Josh looks put off and angry when he turns to Tyler for a quick second before looking back at the road. Tyler didn’t know where they were going at this point. “I know this is a hard lesson for you to learn, Josh, but it’s one you had to learn eventually. You don’t get everything you want.”

 

“What do you want from me?! If sorry isn’t good enough what is?!” Josh slams his hand against the wheel and Tyler jumps slightly in his seat.

 

“That’s for you to decide,” Tyler tries, remaining level headed.

 

“Fuck, Ty! Give me fucking something!” Josh screams turning to look at Tyler.

 

“Keeps your eyes on the fucking road! You are going to kill us both!” 

 

Josh turns back to the street, “Tyler, I know you are saying this now, but you are going to regret this so badly in a few minutes. You might as well get your apology now while it is up for grabs.” 

 

“Fuck you, Josh.” Tyler spits in disgust, not believing the audacity Josh is showing. These mind games are making him so fucking sick. “You know what you are? Toxic. You are fucking terrible, Josh. Your like a runaway train and soon you are going to derail and ruin everything in your fucking path. And I want off before the inevitable crash.”

 

Josh’s knuckles turn white on the wheel, “Tyler, I try so fucking hard. I try hard to please everyone and you are such a selfish prick! Not everything is about you! Do you know how badly I want to be with you?! But I can’t! Tyler, I fucking can’t! Because then my parents would fucking disown me, and Debby would be upset, and Jon would find it funny! Tyler, I’m trying so fucking hard here and nothing seems to please you!” 

 

Tyler’s heart clenches and twists and feels like it is going to launch out of his stomach. He pushes out the hope that is swelling and goes straight to the negatives, “Are you seriously calling me selfish now?! Because I’m pissed off that you called me a faggot in front of the school then beat up my friend?!” Tyler’s face is turning 5 shades redder by the second.

 

“Oh! Here we go again with Ryan! Ryan this, Ryan that- with how much you are obsessed with this guy it would seem like _he’s_ the one fucking you!” Josh shouts, looking manic back and forth from Tyler to the road. 

 

“Wh- what are you? Fucking jealous of Ryan now?” Tyler asks bewildered.

 

“Fuck off! As if I’d be jealous of that fucking brooding, pretentious wrist slitter.” 

 

Tyler freezes for a second and stares at this new Josh emerging. It wasn’t a new and improved version. “Are you processing what your saying before spewing out all of this nonsense?”

 

“Now you are sounding like my mom! You _aren’t_ better then me, Tyler!”

 

“Yeah, you’ve established this.” Tyler rolls his eyes and stares out the window. Josh said what was on his mind clearly. It was out in the open and it was as heavy as a thousand bricks on his chest. Tyler feels his eyes swell and realizes that Josh is simply driving in a circle around the same neighbourhood they started in. They aren’t going anywhere but in circles.

 

Minutes pass and Tyler quickly wipes his eyes when any tears try to emerge. He thinks of his friends and his family, and _Josh_ and his mind just keeps on going into overdrive, not knowing what thing to keep his thoughts on. Tyler let’s out a sniffle accidentally and Josh is sighing into the silence.

 

“I hate fighting with you.” Josh mutters.

 

“It seems like it’s all we do.” Tyler whispers.

 

“And have mind blowing sex.” Josh smiles cheekily to take some of the tension out of the air. 

 

Tyler offers a brief smile before it drops along with his eyes to his hands, “I just don’t understand why you have to be so mean to me, Josh. I don’t know how many times we have had this talk, and yet you still humiliate me any chance available it seems.” 

 

“I’m sorry, alright.” Josh sounds frustrated and tired.

 

“And you bringing up Ryan is really fucked up.”

 

“You were the one who brought him up!” Josh scolds.

 

“Yeah, well I think he is a pretty important part of the conversation since you beat him up!” 

 

“Because he punched me first!” Josh’s voice raises.

 

Tyler’s voice matches, “because you were going to hit me!”

 

“No I fucking wasn’t! You fucking attacked _me_ , Tyler!” 

 

“Because you called me a fag!”

 

Josh screams and his voice reverberates through the metal of the truck, “I said I was fucking sorry! How many times do I have to say it, you annoying fucking child!” 

 

Tyler stares in shock, his ears ringing with Josh’s screams. He wipes his eyes, looking down at the black on his fingertips.

 

“Pull over, let me out.” Tyler says quietly, hand on the handle.

 

“No! Not until you forgive me!” Josh screams.

 

“Josh, pull over. I don’t want to argue with you anymore.” 

 

“You aren’t leaving me!” Josh looks desperate.

 

“I’ll talk to you later.” Tyler doesn’t look at Josh, and purposely stares out the window when he hears little sobs come from the drivers side as the car pulls over.

 

Tyler jumps out onto the side walk and looks at Josh red faced and crying and shakes his head, “Josh, think this all through. You are a fucking mess.” Tyler closes the door and walks through the unfamiliar neighbourhood. 

 

He avoids stepping on the leaves. They are already dead, might as well not damage them anymore.

 

~ - ~ - ~ -

 

“ _Scream_ or _Friday the 13th_?” Ryan asks with a cocked hip, moving the hair from in front of his face behind his ear.

 

“Why not, hm I don’t know, **_Halloween_**?” Mikey asks with a quirked eyebrow and Ryan rolls his eyes before kneeling in front of Mikey’s movie collection with a mutter of “Fine.” 

 

“Is that cool, Tyler?” Mikey asks, turning to the boy as he sits staring up at the tiny basement window that shows the pile of dead leaves on the ground.

 

“Hm? Oh- yeah.” Tyler nods.

 

“Okayyyyyy...” Mikey drawls, sitting on the couch next to Tyler, pulling the bowl of popcorn into his lap. 

 

Ryan put the DVD in and jumps onto the couch, making the other two bounce a little in their spot. Ryan grabbed a handful of popcorn as he pressed the play button. 

 

The 3 sat in collected silence watching the movie, Tyler zoned out throughout, only coming back to reality when Ryan or Mikey jumped at a scene. 

 

Halfway throughout, Ryan was typing on his phone with a smirk on his lips and Tyler rolled his eyes, knowing it’s probably Brendon. Another half an hour after Ryan lost interest in the movie, Mikey was also texting on his phone.

 

“Who are you talking to?” Tyler questions, Mikey looking up from behind his glasses.

 

“Pete.” He responds before going back to his phone.

 

Tyler squints and sighs, aggravated that everyone seemed to have somebody outside of this small circle to text-besides him.

 

He thinks back to Josh and wonders what he is doing right now. Probably drunk off his face at a party. Pathetic. Maybe he was making out with Debby. Maybe they were fucking. Tyler shakes his head to rid the thoughts.

 

“Are you guys going to watch the fucking movie or just be giggling girls with a crush the whole rest of the night?” Tyler cuts, rudely and Ryan rolls his eyes and continues texting but Mikey sets down his phone.

 

“I don’t have a crush,” Mikey mutters, “Pete is just funny.”

 

“Yeah, fucking hilarious.” Tyler mumbles, before glaring at Ryan still texting on his phone.

 

“What crawled up _your_ ass?” Mikey questions with a raised eyebrow and Tyler grows even more frustrated at the fact he can’t rant about his failing relationship (if it could even be called that).

 

“Definitely not a dick,” Ryan adds with a smirk, still looking down at his phone.

 

Mikey smacks Ryan lightly on the cheek in retaliation for Tyler and he smiles, watching Ryan whine.

 

“My fucking cheek you asshole!” Ryan screeches, dropping his phone and clutching at his bruised face.

 

“Oh poor baby.” Tyler pouts.

 

“Yeah, that’s right, I’m fucking handicapped. Tyler you should be on your feet running around to get me anything my heart desires. It’s your fault my face is hideous.” Ryan sighs dramatically, placing his hand on his forehead.

 

“Actually I think it’s your mother’s fault.” Tyler smirks back.

 

“Oh ha ha. Fuck you, I should have let you get pummelled by Josh Dun and his pack of jack-offs.”

 

“His pack? Last I remember, residential Jack-off Urie was swooping in to save the day.” Mikey adds.

 

“Well maybe for once, they considered that Josh wasn’t a god carved from Jesus himself.” Ryan mumbled, pulling himself from the couch, “I have to take a piss.” 

 

When Ryan left the room, Mikey leaned in slightly, “kinda weird how Brendon told Josh off, Huh?” Tyler shrugged, not knowing how to tell Mikey that Brendon was basically just defending his sort-of-boyfriend, and not the better good. 

 

“A lot of people were talking about it. Rumours are going around.” Mikey mumbles, looking back at the door to see if Ryan was there.

 

“What kind of rumours?” Tyler questions, wondering if for once a rumour could be accurate.

 

“People think Brendon might be gay. Would explain why he seems to always be the one to scold Josh from saying fag.” Mikey mutters, “but there is more. People think Brendon has a thing for Ryan.” 

 

Tyler contemplates whether he should inform Mikey or not. It was sort of sad seeing him blown away by these “rumours” not knowing they were true. 

 

“Well, it’s a rumour. People will forget about this by Monday when Ryan and Josh’s face are fine again.” Tyler essentially decides to remain loyal to Ryan’s wishes.

 

“Yeah, I know. Kind of crazy to think of though. Imagine that? One of the jerk-off’s being gay- let alone liking one of us.” Mikey sounds amused and bewildered at the same time. 

 

Tyler looks down at his hands and digs out dirt from underneath his nails.

 

~ - ~ - ~ -

 

Its 1:23am and Tyler is staring at Mikey’s ceiling. Ryan and Mikey are sleeping in the bed and Tyler is lying on a blowup mattress on the floor. Light snores are coming from Mikey, and Ryan is mumbling like he always does when he is asleep. Some called it creepy, but at this point of friendship it was usually calming when Tyler was trying to fall asleep. It wasn’t working tonight however, as Tyler’s mind works like a dam with a crack in the wall, getting so close to exploding at the pressure. 

 

He thinks of their fight from the afternoon and Josh calling him _selfish._ If Tyler was considered selfish, Josh didn’t even want to know what he himself was. Josh was a man who couldn’t choose what he wanted so resorted to taking everything. Debby’s body and Tyler’s mind and heart and fucking soul were just a few items on Josh’s shopping list. And he knew this, and yet he couldn’t just admit to Tyler that maybe he was being a little greedy. 

 

Tyler huffs and feels around in the dark for his phone, grabbing it and slowly creeping out of the room and walking to the bathroom across the hall.

 

Tyler stares down at his phone and the contact that reads _Dun With U_ before clicking on it with an aggravated sigh.

 

“Hello?” Josh sounds drunk and tired and possibly hopeful when he picks up and Tyler wants to drown himself when his heart beats up, listening to Josh’s voice.

 

“Hey, Josh.” Tyler greets calmly, staring at himself in the mirror. Over the past few months he became very acquainted with this weak boy staring back at him. 

 

“Tyler,” Josh slurs in what sounds like relief. “We have to talk.”

 

“Yeah, that’s why I’m calling. Can you meet up?”

 

“Right now? I mean, yeah.” 

 

Tyler can imagine Josh nodding his head with flushed cheeks from the alcohol. “Okay. Meet me at the spot.” 

 

“See you soon.” Josh sighs across the phone and Tyler can hear drunken shouts of ‘ _shots’_ in the background.

 

~ - ~ - ~ -

 

Tyler walks the short path to the park. He didn’t really have to sneak out of Mikey’s house, everyone was already asleep so it wasn’t like he ran into anyone.

 

Tyler walks the oh-so-familiar red brick pathway and smiles as memories play in a yellow filter of Tyler and Josh and summer nights and stollen kisses and whispered nothings panted into ears. Grass stains on knees and sore jaws that were kissed better. 

 

Tyler blinks away the memories like the film reel has caught on fire and stares down at the rose bushes. Nothing stands besides the thorny vines and wilted petals that were once beautiful and lush flowers.

 

Everything is dead and dying around him and he walks to the circle of trees where Tyler and Josh would share secrets and make new ones- telling no one but each other and the large oak trees that surrounded them. Where it once appeared as a safe oasis, it now seems like a satanic circle with all the dead leaves on the ground and naked trees surrounding. Maybe it has always been something devious, and before it was just dressed up in beauty and fond memories. Maybe it was just blindly dragging him in to go through with the ultimate sacrifice. Tyler gladly walked in and offered his heart on a rusted silver platter. He doesn’t know if that made him an idiot.

 

Josh was already there, laying on the grass and staring up at the sky. He should have been cold in just his football jersey but the alcohol must’ve been keeping him warm.

 

Tyler wraps his sweater closer to his body and approaches Josh.

 

“Stargazing?” Tyler questions, staring down at Josh. 

 

He nods, “there are a lot of stars out. It’s a really clear night.” 

 

Tyler mirrors his nod, not bothering to look up at the stars, instead watching Josh’s eyes shine, similar to a sparkler, with the stars and the moon all reflecting into his dark orbs.

 

“You look cute. Couldn’t sleep?” Josh questions, nodding towards Tyler’s red pyjama pants and oversized sweater that ran past his hands.

 

“I was too busy thinking.” Tyler sighs and drops to the ground, laying next to Josh. He smells like cigarettes and whiskey and it is so familiar and doesn’t seem like it fits with this situation. 

 

“What were you thinking about?” Josh sounds like he is nervous and Tyler looks down to his hands as they fumble with a pack of cigarettes before putting one between his lips and lighting it. He stares at the sky before looking back over at Tyler.

 

“You.” The smaller boy’s voice creaks like an old rocking chair and it is so typical really, he is always thinking about Josh. However these thoughts haven’t been in beautiful watercolours in the way they stain his brain and make beautiful photos of smiling mouths and curly hair. It has been drab pencil sketches filling his mind of bruising fists and harsh words and it just won’t escape. Tyler doesn’t know how to put this in words however so he sticks with a simple ‘you.’ It always comes back to him.

 

“I’m sorry about this afternoon, Tyler. And yesterday.” Josh slurs. He is trying to seem sober but his pronunciation is giving himself away.

 

Tyler remains silent and stares up at the sky, watching a galaxy so far away and realizing how tiny they are. How in this entire universe this is the life he is living, and this is the man he is laying next to. 

 

The boys don’t speak, listening to the few crickets that are still out. Pretty soon they will all go wherever it is that crickets go when winter hits and the nights will be silent once again, waiting for a person to break the quiet stretched across the air.

 

“Hey, Josh? Where do you think the crickets go in the winter?”

 

“I don’t know. I suppose they either run from the cold to someplace better or stay here and freeze.” Orange embers light up his face and Tyler stares at his split lip and black eye. He thinks this is the best Josh has ever looked. Something about what Josh just said makes Tyler re evaluate everything in his head. Put loose ends together, mend frayed strings into one aligned rope that will pull him from this unknown pit.

 

“We are never going to work out, are we?” Tyler whispers.

 

Josh looks over with wide eyes, “you don’t know that.”

 

“Yes, I think we both do, Josh.” 

 

The larger boy shudders, but Tyler doesn’t know if it’s finally the cold catching up to him or something else. He moves over, aligning his body to Josh’s larger one before resting his head on his chest, smelling sweat and smoke and alcohol but taking comfort in it. 

 

Josh wraps his arm around Tyler’s upper body, holding his head down and close to him. 

 

Tyler closes his eyes and listens to Josh’s thumping heart.

 

“I’m sorry.”

 

Hot tears wet his chest and quiet whimpers join the crickets.

 

The crickets are unaware of what is coming from who.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Oof sorry for that one. I love that last bit so much though :’( plz comment and aim all ur hate at me. I’m ready for it.


	9. We Took A Walk But It Wasn't The Same

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey, sorry this one took so long I just really wasn't happy with how it was turning out (and still am not entirely) I hope you enjoy in anyhow :) 
> 
> Song Of The Chapter [You're Somebody Else by Flora Cash](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qVdPh2cBTN0)  
> (I met them at a concert they were opening a few weeks ago and they were the nicest :'0)  
>  _Where are we?_  
>  Well you look like yourself  
> But you're somebody else  
> Only it ain't on the surface  
> Well you talk like yourself  
> No, I hear someone else though  
> Now you're making me nervous

It is at that point where the trees are barren and the sky is a constant grey. Leaves lay soggy on the ground and no longer make the distinguishable crunch noise when stepped on.

 

While October is the month of death, November is the homestretch of pure misery. Cold weather but without the snow to make it more appealing. People beginning to get in the Christmas spirit but it still being too far away to be genuinely excited. Tyler despised it.

 

The school halls were loud and happy, and it was also the time where the football team was worshipped. Strangers patting the boys on their broad shoulders, cat calls at any turn, and cheers just cause the team have added another cheep plaque onto the boring, drab beige wall. 

 

“Why are they all suddenly equivalent to God, or Edison, or fucking Ghandi?” Tyler spits as they walk past a loud crowd of people cheering as Jon and his current arm-clinging-girl walked by.

 

“Because they won the championship.” Mikey shrugged and Ryan rolled his eyes.

 

“It’s fucking football! Can’t we focus on bigger things?”

 

“It’s highschool Tyler, what do you expect?” Ryan sighs, running a hand through his straightened hair. Tyler frowns and simply watches in wonderment.

 

Tyler quickly looks down when his eyes catch someone walking by. He can feel a stare boring into him, but he doesn’t look up. Can’t bring himself to. 

 

“I can’t believe they actually broke up.” Mikey mutters, watching the boy walk by, trying to catch up to Jon and Jon’s girlfriend.

 

Ryan slightly laughs, “Why? Is it that much of a surprise? As if they were destined for more then a meaningless high school relationship.”

 

“It just seemed so out of the blue,” He pushed his glasses up from the end of his nose, “don’t you think, Tyler?” 

 

The shortest friend startled at being  adressed and looked up, “I mean I guess. I suppose I could see it coming though.” Tyler mumbled, staring at the back of a curly head.

 

“ _Everyone_ could see it coming.” Ryan rolls his eyes, “Debby was so much more into Josh then he was of her. I don’t blame him though, she’s such a fucking annoying try-hard.”

 

Tyler nods along, not really paying attention to Ryan’s words. As if sensing someone staring at him, Josh turns around and their eyes catch. Josh has a certain look on his face and in his eyes that Tyler can’t place and he lifts his hand to give the smaller boy a subtle wave. Tyler quickly looked down and turned back to his friends, blocking out the newly single boy and willing November to go along smoother then October did. 

 

~ - ~ - ~ -

 

The next three weeks consist of awkward eye contact that Josh never breaks no matter how much Tyler wants him to. He hates having to be the one to look down first, but when he is staring at Josh, things inside his body do not feel right. 

 

He turns his eyes down first.

 

Josh-1 , Tyler-0

 

~ - ~ - ~ -

 

As Tyler’s birthday grows closer, his family grows further apart. 

 

Words are replaced with silence and warm hugs are exchanged for awkward thin lined smiles when they pass each other in the hall. It is like being a stranger in your own home. 

 

The other day Tyler had opened his bedside drawer, looking for the black nail polish Ryan brought over last month, only to find a completely empty drawer, sans a bible and a pamphlet entitled, ‘Journey Into Mannhood; Faith and Freedom for men struggling with Homosexual Urges’.

 

Tyler stared down with trembling hands before grabbing and throwing the bible across the room, letting it hit the wall with a reverberating _CLACK._

 

Shaking hands tore glossy pamphlet paper into 4 messy pieces and he threw it in the bathroom garbage. Black nail polish starred up at him from inside the metal pail and he reached in and grabbed the bottle.

 

Tyler painted his nails on the kitchen table, not being careful of getting paint on the cherry wood. 

 

He blew his nails with satisfaction, staring down at the shiny table top stained with smears and dots of black.

 

~ - ~ - ~ -

 

He would have preferred the screams. Silence was so much more cutting in this large house.

 

Creaks from people avoiding people and muttered talking was all that sounded through the full home.

 

Tyler wanted an explosion. A burst of something other then the quiet distain at his pure existence. 

 

Even Zack was hardly speaking to him and they shared a room. He didn’t understand how it was possible to avoid someone when living in the same house, let alone sleeping in the same room. 

 

It hurt. God, it hurt so bad going from being coached in basketball and getting a pat on the back with frequent smiles aimed towards him, to being shunned. 

 

It had been slowly getting worse. Tyler figured they assumed it was a phase and now that it was close to his 18th birthday and yet ‘the gay thing’ still wasn’t wavering they, were loosing hope. No grandchild, no daughter in law. 

 

It was scary for them.

 

Tyler didn’t care, because what was scarier was walking on eggshells- not knowing if you will be kicked out in a few weeks when you turn 18. Or if they will take pity and wait until college to cut all ties and forget there ever was a son older then Zack. 

 

Tyler is stressed and upset and tired of feeling bad for walking into the kitchen and taking food while his parents eyes bore into him. 

 

He is tired of being the black sheep that nobody cares to acknowledge anymore.

 

He is tired of being alone.

 

~ - ~ - ~ -

 

After another few days of silence, Tyler decides he needs to get out of the house and those in it. He can’t spend another Friday sitting in the same room as his brother in silence, trying to start banter. In such a short amount of time he had seemingly cut contact and Tyler couldn’t understand where it was coming from. 

 

He had come out last year and the initial shock had seem to wear off and recently it had became a new challenge of _fixing_ it. Well fuck them there was nothing to fix.

 

Tyler threw on his coat, slid his wallet in his pocket and took a walk. He didn’t really know where he was going, making a seeming path towards town. 

 

He walked through the subdivision, looking briefly at Ryan’s house once he passed it. He was supposedly busy ‘writing’ but at this point, Tyler knew that was code for fucking Brendon Urie. He was happy for him. Really. 

 

It was just sometimes upsetting when Friday’s used to be spent as a collective; TylerMikeyRyan and has slowly dwindled down to just Tyler. Mikey was always off doing something with his brother or mother, their family was close in that weird way that seemed like they actually _enjoyed_ spending time together. The idea was foreign to Tyler. 

 

As he approached the entrance of town, Tyler was already tired of walking and hungry and he took one look at the Dairy Queen before deciding to step inside. Despite the fact he could see white clouds form when he breathed, Tyler knew he could always go for ice cream. 

 

He ordered the richest blizzard he could and sat at a red vinyl booth alone. He smiled at faint memories of dreaming of summer days here with Josh. Hand holding above the table and smiles that hurt your face. Blushing cheeks that you inevitably blamed on the summer heat. Tyler and Josh never made it that far. The got to the end of fall and it fell apart just like the leaves on the trees. 

 

Tyler stared into his ice cream and carefully picked out the brownie chunks, ignoring his surroundings of a fairly empty ice cream shop. There was a father and son sitting across the room that kept laughing and Tyler kept catching glances over at them while the father playfully punched the junior’s shoulder. At one point he motioned over the boy’s shoulder before smudging his nose with vanilla ice cream. 

 

Tyler smiled and turned back down to his blizzard. He wasn’t feeling particularly hungry anymore but he still wasn’t up for the walk home. He piled the ice cream into a hill and pushed it down into a crater, unsure of what to do or where to go now that the sun was beginning to set. It was only 5:30 but the trees were already just becoming a shadow in the grey darkness. 

 

The bell above the door rang and Tyler’s eyes automatically drew towards the figure. He practically moaned in frustrations. 

 

Tyler turned his head down. Repeating the mantra of _if you can’t see it, maybe it can’t see you._ However, his repetitions were interrupted with a “Tyler?”

 

Tyler looked up from his melting bowl of ice cream and god, Josh looked happy and he felt kinda sick. 

 

“Hey.” Tyler muttered and began getting up from his seat, the vinyl squeaking from his weight shifting. 

 

“I wasn’t expecting to see you here. How crazy! I’m just getting a milkshake for Abi, she had to get a tooth pulled. I figured it was an excuse to get out of the house from my mom.” Josh sighs but he is still smiling. 

 

Tyler stares with knitted eyebrows because this isn’t what they do. They don’t talk about things like family and over bearing mothers. 

 

Josh shuffles his feet awkwardly and Tyler simply nods his head and turns to walk out the door. This isn’t right anymore because this isn’t the Josh he remembers. This is the one who isn’t dating a girl. Who is trying to make small talk in a fucking Dairy Queen. The one who is smiling and sober in the same room as Tyler. He doesn’t feel right standing next to this stranger.

 

“Wait!” Josh grabs Tyler’s wrist as he attempts to leave and he turns to look up at Josh. “My- my sister doesn’t need that milkshake anytime soon. She’s probably passed out. You wanna talk?” 

 

“Josh,” Tyler sighs, confused. If this was a month ago he would be jumping at the opportunity of speaking 1 on 1 with Josh but now it just seems like too much work, “I have to be getting home.” He doesn’t.

 

Josh squints at him and digs into his pocket, “c’mon, just come out for a smoke with me.” And okay, this is seeming more like the old Josh. 

 

Tyler sighs and nods his head, walking out into the cold and causing the bell to jingle once more. 

 

Josh’s hands look red from the cold and Tyler stares at them as they light a cigarette. They look a little shaky as they fumble with a green lighter. He passes the cigarette carton even though Tyler doesn’t smoke. 

 

“I don’t smoke.” Tyler reminds him and Josh nods his head and pulls it back. He takes a long drag from the cigarette and leans against the wall. It is a large window that looks into the Dairy Queen. It is their only light and it makes their faces dark but lights up their backs from laying slant against it. 

 

The two stand in silence, Tyler watching his breath make little grey clouds similar to Josh’s cancerous smoke.

 

“You know that is really bad for you right?” Tyler mutters.

 

“I think everyone knows that by now.” Josh rolls his eyes but Tyler doesn’t look over.

 

“Why do you do it then?” 

 

Josh shrugs, “Everyone is going to die eventually. Why does it matter?” 

 

The two sit in more silence.

 

“You’ve never cared before about me smoking, why do you care now?” Josh turns and smiles slightly cockily. Tyler looks up at him and he seems slightly nervous.

 

“I don’t care.” 

 

Josh quickly turns the opposite way when his smile drops, “oh.” He mutters and drops his half smoked cigarette and stomps it out.

 

“Look, I should be goin-“

 

“I’m sorry how things turned out, but you don’t have to be such an asshole.” Josh spits, staring at Tyler defiantly.

 

“I haven’t said anything!” 

 

“Exactly!” Josh shouts, “you are being all passive and it’s fucking annoying with your brooding.” 

 

“Brooding? Josh, I don’t want to talk to you! How haven’t you figured that out!” Tyler spins to look at him.

 

“You don’t want to talk to me? Why?” Josh sounds slightly upset and his fists are clenched.

 

“Because,” Tyler sighs and lowers his voice, “we don’t _talk_ Josh. And anytime we do, it just ends up in us fighting. It’s not healthy.”

 

Josh is quiet, “I _want_ to talk to you. Why can’t we talk?”

 

Tyler sighs and they both don’t say anything.

 

“Congrats on the championship. I heard you were pretty great.” Tyler offers after a few minutes of silence.

 

“Thanks. It was a pretty close game. I fucked up my wrist from it. Makes me all shaky.” Josh holds up his arm and it quivers.

 

“Where are your gloves? You look freezing.” Tyler mutters and curses himself for sounding like his mother.

 

Josh shrugs and Tyler sighs, grabbing Josh’s red, ice cold hands in his black, gloved ones.

 

Josh smiles down at him slightly and Tyler rubs at him, trying to build friction and heat. 

 

“Thank you.” Josh mumbles when warmth is brought back to his hands. Tyler looks away awkwardly and nods because he feels Josh’s eyes staring at his lips. 

 

He knows what is going to happen next so he doesn’t understand why he is surprised when Josh is leaning down and kissing him. It is cold and rough from both of their chapped lips rubbing together. 

 

Tyler feels that familiar spark but pulls away before it can warm him to his fingers and toes.

 

“Ty-“ Josh starts annoyed, and tries to pull him back in to the kiss but Tyler keeps a hand in between them.

 

“I should go.” Tyler looks into the darkness. There are hardly any cars out and it is kinda eerie with the traffic light guiding empty roads.

 

“Tyler!” Josh shouted in frustration but he is already walking away.

 

Tyler stares at his feet as he walks along the cracked sidewalk and doesn’t turn around when he hears the bell ring again, signifying Josh has gone back inside to get his little sister a milkshake.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Only 2 chapters left and an epilogue!!!! AHHHHH!!! Also, I'm beginning to try and brainstorm for my next fic and am completely open to hear what you all are waiting for!! Any specific AU's you feel like this fandom is missing? Or just comment what you like! (historical, high school, criminals, etc, etc) Love you all and sorry if this chapter was a bit of a lack lustre


	10. I Look At You and Smile 'Cause I'm Fine

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Oops! I totally didn't mean to take this long with this chapter!! Super sorry, but here it is now! I hope you like this one :) Love you all, enjoy these last few chapters <3
> 
> Song of the Chapter - [Somewhere Only We Know by Keane](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Oextk-If8HQ)  
>  _And if you have a minute, why don't we go_  
>  _Talk about it somewhere only we know?_  
>  _This could be the end of everything_  
>  _So why don't we go_  
>  _Somewhere only we know? ___

December brought cold drafts and snow that didn’t seem to be able to stick. It also brought Tyler’s birthday but that was nothing to write home about. He was officially an adult but he didn’t feel any different. He was still tired of his family, unhappy with the size of his hands, and loveless in cuffing season. 

 

Ryan gives him Modest Mouse’s _‘Good News For People Who Love Bad News’_ album and Mikey shrugs and hands him a special edition of ‘Donnie Darko’ even though Tyler already has a copy. His parents hand him a few new shirts and socks and underwear. Tyler is sort of surprised they even got him anything. Birthdays in December normally sucked because it was in that odd point where people were beginning to buy Christmas presents and not thinking of birthday gifts. 

 

Winter break is a few weeks away and college applications are due in before that. Tyler had sent his application in to University of Chicago, Berkeley, and Washington. Somewhere far away would be nice. A large city with nameless strangers and faceless parents. Mikey had his eye on Michigan state, wanting to stay relatively close to home and Ryan had an english scholarship, he was just waiting on the letter back from UCLA. Tyler and Ryan had put in their applications during early decision meaning they would be finding out around Christmas. They were all going their separate ways and it was nerve wracking to think that by the next year they probably wouldn’t be together. 

 

Tyler was scared for the future and being alone but he knew it had to happen sooner rather then later. There wasn’t anything holding him here. Most people in his grade were planning on sticking around in Ohio besides those trying to go to Penn State or Harvard. Tyler and Ryan however, were seeing college as an opportunity to get out, and they were going to take that one way ticket far, far away. 

 

 

~ - ~ - ~ -

 

Tyler has been taking walks more frequently. He doesn’t particularly mind the cold and the way it bites at his nose in an unpleasant way. A temporary frozen nose eventually thaws, but his parent’s face is never changing from the stone cold expression of pure disapproval. 

 

Here he is once again, staring down at the barely- snow covered red brick that trailed through town. The light posts were festive with wreaths that stuck out, lining the roads and shining underneath the orange-tinted light of the posts. School was wrapping up for the semester and Tyler really _should_ have been studying for his exams but he found himself here, walking past familiar oak trees and rose bushes that held few wilted flowers. At this point, it was predominantly brown twigs waiting for spring to flourish once again. 

 

Tyler glanced over at the school and felt something cold and hard pushing down on his chest. One more semester left and he would never see the school again. This is the last winter he will stare up at the looming dark building and empty football field, frost and light snow dusting the once green grass.

 

A ghost of himself and his friends danced in front of his eyes, distant memories from summer time and sitting under trees next to the football field, eating apples and throwing the cores and seeds at Ryan’s head when he refused to eat anything. Doodling pictures and words on Mikey’s arm lunch break after lunch break, trying to show him what having a full arm tattoo would look like. Tyler felt himself tear up at reminiscing and it was _stupid_ because he was still here for another semester and yet this felt like it was the end of something. The end of something good, even though at this point he believed the only thing good would be looking behind at his school from the back seat window in a greyhound.

 

Tyler breathed a few laboured breaths and watched as it quickly turned to a white fog in the cold air that made him think of hot tubs in autumn at Mikey’s house. Sneaking booze during the first frost of the year when it was just starting to be too cold for a sweater but that’s all they had. Dancing on Ryan’s roof to make him smile while he sat with eyeliner running down his face because his dad had come home drunk again. 

 

Tyler wiped his cheek and it burned slightly in the cold when he rubbed at it. He ghosted his hand over the dead rose bushes, and walked along the path that led him further into the park. He broke through the large trees and watched as the light snow melted under his feet, leaving shoeprints. 

 

There was a silhouette sitting on top of the snowless hill in the centre of the park and Tyler really should have been surprised but for some reason he wasn’t. He walked up the frozen ground and sat next to the boy, shivering slightly at the cold earth underneath his butt. 

 

“Hi.” He didn’t know why he walked over and sat next to him, but he was beginning to discover his feeling changed like the weather and it was slightly worrying.

 

“Tyler,” Josh smiled. He looked like he had been thinking and crease lines engraved his forehead as if his eyebrows were furrowed for a long time. 

 

Tyler shivered and picked at the solid ground, “it’s kinda cold.” 

 

“I don’t mind.” Josh shrugged and laid back, arms behind his head like a pillow. “What are you doing here?” 

 

“Needed some space. You?”

 

“Same.” Josh breathed, frosty air floating above his head. “It’s funny, we always seem to end up back here, huh?” 

 

Tyler didn’t respond, just laid parallel to Josh and stared up at the sky. He was getting slight déjà vu of summer and autumn days. Star gazing and hand holding and falling in love. They all seemed to happen like a chain reaction- you couldn’t have one without the others.

 

“What’s funny is we keep running into each other when it isn’t planned. If I didn’t know any better, I’d think you are stalking me.” Tyler mumbled jokingly, turning to look at Josh scrunching up his face.

 

Josh lightly punched him in the arm, “Fuck off,” he muttered and crossed his arms, trying to harness in his body heat it seemed. 

 

“So you and Debby, huh?” 

 

Josh laughed, “I broke up with Debby like a month ago, do we really need to talk about her? Old news and all that.” He held his hands over his face and he almost seemed embarrassed. 

 

“I just never really thought you would break up with her, at least not with one semester left of high school. I figured you were acting for long enough, you would stick it out.” Tyler said it slightly unkindly and Josh flinched.

 

The larger boy shrugged, unsure of what to say to that, “I guess it was just time.”

 

Tyler made a hum of confirmation and they sat in a relaxing silence. The stars were bright in the winter skies who seemed to always be a permanent grey late at night instead of a black. You could still see the streaks of clouds that blocked out a few of the stars, but those that were uncovered shone brilliantly like a single streetlight down a dark road.

 

Tyler glanced over at Josh and his face was all shaded making his nose and chin and cheekbones look sharp and manly in the light the moon gave off. He looked rugged and handsome and like _Josh._ He seemed anxious and upset in the way he had his arms pulled up, shielding himself from the world and those in it. However, on the exterior he seemed at peace and strong- like he normally did- walking the halls of the cold and judging school. His eyelashes casted shadows on his cheeks and it gave his such a delicate look that it conflicted with his posture of hardness. 

 

“What made you decide to break up with her?” 

 

Josh sighed, his eyes slowly opening to look over at Tyler, “I couldn’t keep on lying. To her, to myself.” He paused for a second before looking back to the sky, avoiding the boy next to him, “I’m gay.”

 

Tyler snorted and Josh looked over at him with angry eyes and a frown.

 

“I’m sorry,” Tyler said between laughs, “but I kinda knew, Josh.” 

 

“Fuck you. You’re the first person I’ve said that to and you outright laugh?” Josh sat up, getting ready to leave.

 

Tyler gripped at his wrist and pulled him back down, “Josh, i’m sorry. I’m glad you are finally admitting it to yourself.” 

 

“It’s so hard to be yourself in this goddamn town. It’s suffocating.” 

 

Tyler nodded. He knew firsthand what it was like to be shunned just for who you were. He experienced the backlash of coming out, of being ignored by his entire basketball team and friends when they found out he was hiding something. Being ignored by a family for telling them he wasn’t the boy they thought they raised and grew up with.

 

“Sometimes I’m so jealous of you, Tyler.”

 

“Jealous of what?” Tyler laughed, because that had to be a joke.

 

“You seem so fearless. You came out, you are so unashamed of who you are! You’re like ‘this is who I am, so fuck you if you don’t like it’. Shit Tyler, i’m such a fucking coward. I couldn’t even admit being gay to myself, because it made me feel unworthy of anything good in this god damn life.”

 

Tyler stared at the stars before turning to Josh with wide eyes, shocked at this revelation. It was hard to think of Josh as anything but confident- cocky even- so seeing him looking so small and afraid was hard for Tyler to take in.

 

“Josh, I’m anything but fearless. I run away from every conflict I encounter. Shit, i’m moving across the fucking country for college because I can’t face my family and seeing their disappointment in who I’ve become. You’re right about this place being suffocating. I need to get out of this fucking town, I need to breathe. I’m being strangled here with all these peoples ideals. They are all the same Josh, but us? We aren’t like them and they hate it. That is why I try to be unashamed because we can’t keep on living in the shadows, because pretty soon, we are going to get swallowed up.”

 

Josh looked at Tyler, slightly alarmed, “You aren’t staying for college?!”

 

“Fuck no. I can’t stay in Ohio. It’s like a weight around your neck, dragging you down. I’m cutting free, Josh. I can’t take my family and their looks that I’m bringing this goddamn family down to hell with me.”

 

“Shit Tyler, I don’t want you to leave.” Josh stared over at him slightly scarred.

 

“I have to. If I were you, i’d be leaving to. If you stay here, you are going to end up just like them and you know that.”

 

“Tyler, I can’t. My parents would never let me escape their fucking steel grip on me and my life.”

 

“Josh, you have to stop living for your parents. Stop catering to their ideals because I’m sure they’re the reason why you haven’t come out yet, am I right?”

 

“They would disown me, Tyler. Shit, they would never speak to me again. I’m a fucking coward, I can’t.” Josh looked slightly frantic with tears in his eyes.

 

“Hey, hey,” Tyler shushed him, gripping his jaw and wiping away the stray tear that escaped, “Being afraid doesn’t make you a coward. You are only 18, Josh, you still have so much time. A coward is someone who accepts his fate, who doesn’t fight for it. Josh, when you were with Debby you were a coward. Breaking up with her shows you are so much more then that. Sitting here and telling me you are gay is so brave of you, and I’m so proud of you.” 

 

“Thank you. Nobody has said that to me before.” Josh smiled with shinny eyes at Tyler, “You are a good person, I’m sorry it seems like your parents don’t see that.” 

 

Tyler’s smile was blinding as he leaped up to hug Josh. 

 

“Thank you,” Tyler whispered into Josh’s neck before pulling back and laying back on the ground. Josh followed his lead placed his arms behind his neck to cushion his head from the hard ground.

 

Tyler broke his stare from the sky to look over at Josh, finding him staring. 

 

Josh smiled and his eyes did that thing where they scrunched up and Tyler counting help but smile back.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Yayyyy a happy ending for once!!! One chapter left and a epilogue!!! Oof, what do you all think? ;P


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